Is Tiger Woods Actually Britney Spears…?

So, as most of you know, Branded is one of the last bastions of “columnistic” integrity on the Internet. And as the Internet’s White Knight, I exist to give you the hard-hitting exposés you won’t get from those soft serve, liberal cucks at MSNBC, The Washington Post, or Fox News.

Oh, you broke the Watergate scandal? Props dude, but I subscribe to the “What have you done for me lately?” ideology so sack up. Our citizens deserve journalistic consistency and I’m out here hitting my blog quota like it’s a fucking speed bag.

That said, I’ve had this theory that the career arc of Tiger Woods almost identically parallels that of Britney Spears for a while now. Just two titans who’ve weathered the tumultuous landscape of their respective industries for nearly two decades and I think, at the very least, it deserves a blog post; thus, here we are…

The “Child Star” Stage

Before Tiger and Britney BURST onto the scene, they both gave us a little foreplay into what they could become. Both stars displayed a knack for the big stage at an early age.

For Britney, it was The Mickey Mouse Club, where she pumped bangers alongside JT and Christina Aguilera. For Tiger, it was Mike Douglas Show where he throat-fucked Bob Hope in a putting contest at the tender age of two.

The “Get Off Me” Stage

This is where Tiger and Britney took the governor off and started curb stomping their industries at an age where most of us are just trying to ditch a V-Card in our rich buddy’s pool house.

The late ’90s and early 2000s were a wild time for our country: the Dot-Com Bubble was in full swing, our president was getting topped off in the Oval Office, and Britney Spears/Tiger Woods were mobilizing an all-out sociocultural blitzkrieg. Haymakers only.

Between 1999 and 2000, Britney dropped her debut album …Baby One More Time and followed it up with Oops!… I Did It Again, both of which topped the charts and skyrocketed Britney to the forefront of the music scene. Simply put, if you didn’t have slammers like “Lucky” or “Stronger” in your Hit Clips collection, you were a fucking loser. The success also brought on a wave of endorsements, most notably being Pepsi, which hitched their wagon to Spears and rode her like a cheap thoroughbred.

While Britney dominated the charts, Tiger dominated the leaderboards. In 1997, Woods claimed his first Green Jacket and became the youngest ever top-seeded golfer on Earth. Three years later, he became the youngest to achieve the career Grand Slam and landed Sports Illustrated‘s Sportsman of the Year. Like Britney, it was during this time that Tiger also became a marketer’s wet dream, locking arms with Nike and raking in enough money to manipulate weather patterns in Eastern Europe.

The “Still Got It” Phase

In the mid 2000s, the electrifying light from both stars inevitably died down a bit, but a lot of that had to do with Tiger/Britney’s dominance becoming commonplace. It was understood. They were the iron and everyone else was gunning for second place. Simply put, the intoxication we experienced in the late 90s was replaced by expectation, and that expectation was feigning to be overcome.

For Britney, it was “Toxic,” which earned Britney a Grammy and remains one of her marquee songs; for Tiger, it was a win at 2005 Masters—a performance that featured the greatest shot in golf history.

The “Fall From Grace” Stage

When you’re at the top so long, the only story left to write is the fall, and that has never been truer than in the late 2000s where Britney and Tiger both saw their careers unexpectedly barrel into a guardrail and flip into the third row.

For Britney, it was her divorce with known douche, Kevin Federline, followed by a trip to rehab and this weird deal where she shaved her head for some reason (still hot). For Tiger, it was public incident where his wife almost buried a 7-iron into the side of his head, followed by Woods being exposed as a serial swordsman who cheated on his wife with roughly 300 Morton’s cocktail waitresses.

The “Nostalgic Tease” Stage

Prior to last year, this was where we sat for the better half of a decade. Every once in a while, we’d go back to well to the tune of Britney throwing smoke on Instagram or Tiger roasting a drive on Twitter, but it’s fleeting. It’s fluff. It’s orgasmic wallpaper, and although we’ve lost a great deal of hope, there was nothing more fun than saying “Tiger’s Back” or “It’s Britney, bitch…”

The “Okay, We’re Back” Stage

Okay, I’ll admit it: this is where my theory takes a slight hit…

One one hand, Tiger’s absolutely back. At the tender age of 43—coincidentally, the same number of back surgeries he’s undergone—he’ll never revert back to the same guy who graced EA Sports covers for years; nevertheless, given his performance over the past year, there’s obviously a lot of lightning left in the bottle.

For Britney, I’m doubtful. Just yesterday, I guess she was spotted in public for the first time since entering a mental health facility (which, don’t get me wrong, is fantastic news) but I think the days of snakes and pig tails are long gone.

That said, you can bet your ass I’m holding my breath…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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