Now is the point in the NFL season, especially this one, that we are starting to look into a magic ball for storylines. After GMFB finishes their segment with Bailey Zappe’s 3rd grade math teacher, there’s really not much to debate.
That’s probably because there’s no question who the best 3 teams in the league are right now. All 3 have talented, rich, child bearing aged quarterbacks. Naturally the discussion drifts to a ‘who would you rather?’
Limiting the conversation to the confines of ‘who would you rather start a franchise with?’ feels like we’re ignoring an important piece of dialogue. Giving a QB $50 million/year from your favorite team’s payroll is a huge investment. But an even bigger investment would be to give one of these QB’s your uterus. As I approach the waning hours of my biological clock’s batteries, that PMT graphic sparked an internal debate I needed to put on paper in order to make a final verdict.
Disposable Income: No brainer. I would like to quit my job. I hate when people say they would still keep a job if they became rich because they would be bored. You don’t get bored with $450 million dollars. I could easily prove it.
Wouldn’t Cheat That Much?: Not oblivious to the fact that other women would want to fuck Patrick Mahomes for being Patrick Mahomes. On a scale of John Legend to Adam Levine, I have to assume Mahomes is on the lower end. Even if there were rumors no one would even believe them. Cris Collinsworth probably thinks no one cheats as good as Patrick Mahomes too.
Family: Also a no brainer. Dealing with Brittany Mahomes as a stepmom makes half a billion dollars seem like a ripoff.
Voice: Mahomes’ voice can be kinda endearing sporadically, in a :15 State Farm commercial or a quick post game interview. I can’t imagine having to listen to Patrick Mahomes doing baby talk on a couple hours of sleep.
It Would Be Annoying How Much Everyone Else Sucks His Dick: I would not be able to tolerate how much other people love my husband. It feels like Mahomes can’t do anything wrong. If I was mad because he left dishes in the sink and then had to see johnsmith28999932 on Twitter calling him the GOAT I’d go off the deep end.
Looks: In my humble opinion with years of experience objectifying male athletes, Jalen Hurts is the most physically attractive QB, if not player, in the NFL. I’ve already concluded he’s the hottest athlete in Philadelphia sports history. Easily would make the cutest babies. The link to my Twitter is at the bottom of this blog in case anyone is able to get this to him.
Good Wedding Hashtag: There would be so many good options for witty wedding hashtags with the last name Hurts. He already has the trademark pending for #HurtsSoGood, which is a little bit too obvious for a wedding hashtag, but an ok starting point. I think I could come up with something that looks really good in neon sign form.
Can squat a lot of weight: This was just really impressive. Would be fun to brag to my friends about. Feel confident if I gained some weight he’d be able to handle it.
Height: Of the 3 QB’s, Jalen Hurts is listed as the shortest at 6’1. I have a theory on the social rules men use when listing their height, so in my estimation there’s a strong chance he is an even 6′. That’s totally fine and does pass the usual height requirement, but he would look small standing next to Josh Allen so it’s something to consider.
Age: Jalen Hurts is only 24. For an NFL franchise, being as good as Jalen Hurts is at his age is a pro. However, I don’t know of one 24 year old man that should be starting a family. In fact I’d consider passing a law against it.
Height: Josh Allen is 6’5.
Big Hands: One of the rare intangibles that matters for both a good QB and a good husband.
Support from Bills Mafia: The power of Bills Mafia seems like it would benefit my nonexistent future family. They are always donating to charities of other teams. Great vibes.
May Have To Go Through A Table: At my advanced age, I don’t think my body would ever physically recover from jumping through a plastic folding table. I would also live in constant fear that once out of my sight, my children would be bullied into expensive hospital bills at the hands of the Buffalo sports community.
CTE: It would be hard as a wife and partner not to worry about the long term concerns of CTE. Josh has taken a lot of big hits.
It should be a no brainer to pick Mahomes but not even half a billion dollars could persuade me to be in a situation of possibly having to record a Tik Tok for Jackson Mahomes.
Josh Allen would be the safe choice and I would readily accept a marriage proposal from him.
But I’m unable to ignore the rare natural beauty of Jalen Hurts. I would very much like to start a family with him. Thank you for your time.