Full disclosure I did not watch Monday nights episode of Bachelor in Paradise but I feel like I learned enough from Twitter and from Tuesday’s episode to put out the official rankings.
Sadly (for some), Tahzjuan, Caitlin, and Jen Saviano are not ranked. I feel like I never really met Tahzjuan but sounds like she was dramatic enough I wish she lasted a few more episodes to fuck shit up. If I missed someone here take it as a personal challenge to be more memorable.
Week 4 Official Power Rankings:
19. Dean: This shouldn’t even have to be said. Dean is a legitimate homeless man with a porn star mustache who hasn’t used shampoo in 6 months. The fact that he even had a shot with Caelynn is a stunning miracle. I really don’t get it with Dean. Imagine how insulting it is to get dumped on your birthday so he can go “home” to his van? When he left he didn’t even say goodbye to anyone else either just kind of did a head nod and got in the car. Maybe he was just in a rush to get to the car or as Dean sees it a comfy bed.
18. Clay: Clay talking to his ex Angela saying that the night he broke up with her was a really hard night for him was astounding. Whining about the end of his football career when trying to explain why he dumped her, unbelievable. Just not cute enough to make up for the fruit flies flying around in that bald head of his.
Angela getting to make that speech in front of Clay with her gorgeous hair and makeup #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/1G9wiswXpl
— RealTVaddict (@t_vaddict) August 28, 2019
17. Sydney: Boooo Sydney hasn’t done anything to improve her ranking on this list. Crying about not getting invited to the Bachelor Nation after party? You can’t get invited to all the events if you don’t get involved in the action a little bit. Make out with someone one time.
16. Kristina: I agreed I wouldn’t support Kristina until she started supporting herself and girl went right back to comparing herself to other girls and letting someone else get the guy she wants. That’s exactly how you end up dating the Deans, Blakes and Connors of the world. Plus I heard Kristina was telling Blake what to do again focus on yourself!!
15. Caelynn: I cannot imagine what it would be like to be that hot and still be as insecure as Caelynn. Kristina and Caelynn are actually more alike than they think. Until Caelynn stops needing a fuckboy to decide her worth I just cannot support her.
14. Nicole: A jealous ass bitch. Nicole showed a little too much of herself this episode mocking Angela for being hot. Angela has permanent real estate in Nicole’s head. Could never be a WAG.
Nicole- “Try and look.. I dare you” #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/orEOR6zc38
— Jasmin (@jassheba) August 28, 2019
13. Katie: I’m still kind of mad at Katie for not being into Wills and I can’t lie it’s affecting her rankings. Sorry not sorry.
12. Haley: Haley was probably on patrol at the Goose wedding after watching JPJ’s freakout. I just don’t think this is the right place for Haley to find love.
11. Blake: Blake is rising the power rankings every week he doesn’t fuck someone new. I’m proud how far we’ve come, until we find out how many girls he slept with after this wedding.
10. JPJ: I always appreciate a good mental breakdown. It’s a part of this show that is woven into the fibers of it’s very being. I think there have been more guy breakdowns than girls in the history of the Bachelor franchise. JPJ’s doesn’t crack the top 10 but I do like how many times he accused Derek of being the frat boy of the show trying to get content for his podcast. Woke John Paul Jones is a problem for this franchise.
JPJ saying he’s 24 and been looking for his wife for 18 years #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/UUXDDLfyo7
— k8 the gr8 (@moneymuma) August 28, 2019
9. Tayshia: Always up in other peoples business that Tayshia. Reporting back to Nicole about how Clay was obviously shook by Angela’s presence is something that earns you more air time and chances on future shows, but it does not win over the people at home. Let Clay fuck it up on his own, that’s really what we want to watch.
8. Chris B: You already know I didn’t watch the Monday night episode this week, so I’m not sure if Chris did anything in that episode that was remotely interesting, but he certainly didn’t in the second episode.
7. Connor: Boycotted Hannah’s season so I didn’t know what to expect of Connor going into it and to be frank all I pretty much remember now is Demi’s impression of him at the end of the episode. Dean shaving his mustache is the worst thing to happen to Connor this season.
6. Derek: Derek got caught in the JPJ friendly fire this week. I’ve never once considered listening to Derek’s podcast but I might have to check it out now. If Ashley I is on I change my mind. I bet Derek’s ex Taylor is at home watching Derek get broken up with for a girl and doing some serious psychoanalysis.
I wish JPJ would plug my Podcast as much as he is promoting Derek’s #BachelorInParadise
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 28, 2019
5. Kristian: I don’t blame Kristian for wanting to go on an all expenses paid trip to Mexico with her girlfriend. What’s the point of dating someone in the Bachelor world if you can’t go to Paradise?
4. Demi: Her impression of Connor while the credits were rolling gave Demi an extra boost this week. I think her relationship with Kristian is real but I also think ABC is using it as a PR story so I’m not sure how to feel about the whole thing.
.@demi_burnett is so funny I literally can’t even.
#BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/y4789uWukG— Bachelor Bob (@BachelorBob_) August 28, 2019
3. Hannah&Dylan: I regret to inform you that we’ve reached the point in the show that Hannah and Dylan aren’t getting any screen time because they are just in an actual relationship. Real relationships are so fucking boring. From this point forward they are
2. Angela: Absolute bad bitch moves by Angela so far in this episode. You can’t just let Clay come in back to back Paradise situations and expect for things to be all fine and dandy. You’ve got to make his paradise a living hell. First step make yourself the center of attention in an organic way, second step look smoking hot and see what happens. Angela better fuck Blake next episode.
My eyeing that shredded cheese bag in my fridge drunk at 3am #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/yEOo1hJIWx
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) August 28, 2019
1.Mike: It’s honestly too depressing to even talk about Mike after hearing the news this week that Pilot Pete is going to be The Bachelor. If Mike wants to come out and publicly call out the show for being racist, manipulative money whores I’m okay with him being the one to tear it down. Mike’s too nice for that though.
*Astrid would be ranked at the top of this week’s power rankings if she were an actual cast member. She absolutely destroyed Blake.
ASTRID SAYING BLAKE SHOULD GO TO EUROPE TO FIND SOMEONE YES#BachelorInParadise #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/8ES47TnlQl
— BachelorObsessed (@BachelorObsess1) August 28, 2019