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The Met Gala’s Such A Joke…

Joey Boats

Before I go any further, I would just like to clarify a few things: I’m an idiot. I don’t do research. I watch sports and eat bologna. I’m not necessarily someone you’d see on the street and think, “Wow, that guy must have some incredibly eclectic insight on the Syrian Refugee Crisis.”

That said, I’m throwing my hat in the ring. Today is the day I begin to overhaul my lifestyle and diversify my cultural palette. And I’m starting with this Met Gala.

They hold this thing every year and for the three days that follow, all I see are articles with people jacking each other off over how good/amazing/progressive someone looked. It’s preposterous. It’s basically just a comic book convention flooded with narcissistic, over-compensated, “socially conscious” celebrities who admonish capitalistic greed while sporting six-figure outfits. It’s just a revolving Macy’s door of hypocrisy.

Not to mention, “fashion” people are the fucking worst. Just this exclusive, out-of-touch demographic of our population that have appointed themselves as the authority on what people should wear.

This is why I hate fashion. It’s irrefutably subjective but we have these insufferable blowhards who crawl out of the woodwork, convinced their opinion on what Beyonce wore while smashing bacon-wrapped scallops in some glorified Best Western conference ballroom actually achieves something.

Another reason I hate fashion is because, unlike most, I’m actually somewhat of a fashion icon, myself. In fact, I AM fashion. People can read all the reviews or commentary they want, but at the end of the day, I dictate it. What I’m wearing right now is basically next month’s issue of Vogue.

In other words, people often say that the “clothes make the man” but I disagree; clothes defer to me to make them look great. I’m attending a wedding this Winter and everyone involved is compromising their future mortgage so they can buy a nice suit. I could roll into Savers with $20 and leave looking like George Clooney in Ocean’s 11.

Also, while I’m on the topic of fashion, fuck anyone over the last decade that have called me out for wearing cargo shorts. You clowns can kick rocks…

Cargo shorts are an American staple and these so-called “experts” are out here claiming I’m a loser for cycling pairs in the summer. These are the same morons that will blog about how “stunning” Katy Perry looked at the Met Gala. Bro, she wore fucking wings last year. FUCKING Wings.

In other words, she went to her designer the night before and had to ask him/her how long it would take to tailor her a pair of wings… Wings dude… What a douchebag… Fucking wings…

P.S. Brady looked stunning…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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