One of my more controversial online opinions seems to be having a negative perception of Tyreek Hill. Unable to separate the art from the artist, I don’t think he is an exceptionally great guy. Sorry if that offends.
However, I think we can all agree that given his stature as the ‘best receiver in the NFL’, the lack of media attention surrounding what one can only describe as an enigmatic offseason is quite stunning.
In case you have been living carefree and oblivious to the level of pure insanity of what’s been going on with Tyreek Hill, or if you are Cris Collinsworth, let’s catch up.
Slapping Altercation With Random Boat Marina Employee
This happened in July 2023, but felt relevant to include in the timeline because I simply have no idea what’s going on here and this was the first I’d heard of it. As a one off, it would pique interest. In culmination with the rest it seems the least jaw dropping.
The employee, who was apparently given a $200 payment by Hill immediately following the altercation, decided not to file a police report even though Miami-Dade police were looking into the event.
Vocally Expressed Career Aspirations Of Being An Adult Film Star
Here he is just trying to confide in a friend live on Twitch instead of taking the conversation to LinkedIn.
House Caught on Fire
Kicking off in early 2024, Tyreek Hill’s home in Miami engulfed in flames after being accidentally set fire by a child playing with a lighter. No further details provided, everyone go about your regular lives pretending you don’t want to know more information about the events that led up to full blown statutory arson. There has been more public inquisition about Taylor Swift’s current bang length than there has been about Tyreek Hill’s home catching on fire. I’ve watched Netflix documentaries about less interesting mysteries.
Feud With Rick Ross For Filming Fire Set By Child Playing With A Lighter
After quelling the voracious fire set by a child playing with a lighter, Tyreek Hill took note of who was willing to literally walk into a burning building for him, and his next door neighbor Rick Ross was not on that list. Somewhere between establishing himself as the Biggest Boss and obtaining his drivers license, Ricky Rozay failed to complete his neighborly firefighter training and used the fire as an opportunity for content.
“Rick Ross, man. You had the audacity to talk to a fireman instead of come protect — you got my number, bro,” Hill continued. “You get on Twitter, posting me all over Twitter, like, after what me and my family went through. You’re supposed to be the neighbor — the neighborhood hero!!” – Cheetah
I do love the notion of Rick Ross being a new age Marvel hero, responsible for safekeeping a neighborhood of billionaires and their waterfront homes.
Accidentally Legally Filed For Divorce
On paper, Tyreek Hill is a married man. He got married to Kenny Vaccaro’s sister Keeta during the Dolphins in season bye week, romantically proclaiming how he felt it was simply “about time” to get married. Although understandably hard to resist, you may be shocked to learn that there is actually a collection of women that do not agree marriage was the best option for Tyreek and Keeta.
That’s maybe why it wasn’t a crazy headline when people saw actual court documents filed for divorce mere months later.
Then he aggressively disputed the reports and fired the “f***ing bonehead that did that mistake.” Adding “Now it sucks.” Which, to be fair, it does kinda suck for your wife to think you were trying to file for divorce but you have to explain it was a minor paperwork snafu.
Smashed An Unlit Cigar In His Wife’s Face For Not Signing A Post-Nuptial Agreement
Trying to organize these headlines in an order that makes sense but the fact that this report was released on a St. Patrick’s Day Sunday news dump is not lost on me. Providing a little more context to the very believable story that Hill accidentally legally filed for divorce a week prior.
Now there’s a reason pre-nuptial agreement is the more common term. You kind of have to nail down those details beforehand–that’s WAG 101.
The report claims that Tyreek and his for sure long term wife Keeta were arguing about signing this post-nuptial agreement and in frustration, Tyreek “smashed” an unlit cigar in her face. He alleges he only flicked the cigar in her general direction and no contact was made, like he is pleading a case for OPI.
The item in the Miami Herald initially showcases Hill’s vow to “clean up” his life.
“I lost my true self from what my grandparents raised me to be when I entered the league,” Hill said on The Pivot podcast, in an episode that debuted on March 6. “I completely forgot my relationship with God. And it really showed.”
That’s a lot of responsibility now on God’s shoulders.
Fathered A Minimum Of 3 Children With Women Who Are Not His Wife While They Were Married
This one is honestly another snoozefest. Not really much else to say, but felt like it was worth mentioning in the timeline of events. Doesn’t seem to be the most financially savvy decision, and a logistical nightmare, but I would eventually be interested in a Rivers v. Hill family bowl game the night before Thanksgiving or something.
Model/Influencer Sues For Breaking Her Leg In A Fit Of Rage During A Football Drill after She Embarrassed Him
This was the one that really had me scratching my forehead. It’s getting kind of crazy, right? Not a situation of manipulating words to grab attention, plus-size influencer Sophie Hall came forward alleging that after pancaking him in a surprise football drill, Tyreek Hill was so enraged that he charged her and broke her leg. Given that Hill is not usually a threat at the line of scrimmage, authorities must be having trouble validating the claim.
She says after she registered her son for his football camp, Tyreek started DM’ing her that he has been known to be a good stepfather and then invited her to participate in their own backyard football camp, allegedly. Bill Vinovich probably wouldn’t even give her 15 yards on the play, but now she wants Tyreek to cover the hefty medical bills like any good stepdad would.
Tyreek Hill’s lawyer, who logically replaced the one fired for accidentally filing his divorce, denied the allegations. It was actually a puppy’s fault for tripping her. Once again, nothing to see here.
Fled A Kevin Hart Show During Physical Brawl with a woman
Now this one is easier to gloss over. Mainly, Kevin Hart is still doing local comedy shows? I would have guessed with all the big budget movie appearances and alignment with global superstar The Rock, he wouldn’t really have to perform stand up shows anymore.
As Tyreek Hill sat in his seat, excitedly awaiting the high energy comedic stylings of Kevin Hart, a woman aggressively approached him claiming he took the seat she paid for and it got physical. The parties of each group were separated by the heavy security who are naturally staffed at every event that Tyreek Hill is attending. Hill left the show unfortunately before getting to hear Kevin Hart jovially discuss cheating on his pregnant wife again and it is not known if a refund was issued. After reviewing video footage and determining the woman was the aggressor, a legal and personal milestone for Tyreek Hill, no charges were filed.
Screamed Aggressively At A Wild Animal To Assert Dominance
I’m sure the first rule in the pre-safari meeting is “do not loudly taunt the wildlife”. If this cheetah mauled Tyreek Hill by the dangly cross earring, he would immediately be suspended 4-6 weeks.
More To Follow…
Something tells me this isn’t the last we’ve heard of Tyreek Hill this offseason.
Miraculously, despite all of these befuddling click-bait-but-actually-real headlines, Tyreek Hill has not been arrested, charged, fined or suspended by his employer. Not only that, but in a world where Kenny Pickett getting traded is a top ticker PTI segment, Elon Musk seems to be pushing these headlines to the bottom of the trending list. Unless…unless…the simple explanation is that there’s nothing Tyreek Hill could do that would be truly shocking anymore. CTESPN has at long last recruited a new member.
Out of pure obligation I will end this by saying if this was a list of Tom Brady allegations Roger Goodell would have already sent him to Rikers Island for 25 to life.