Woman Says She Wasn’t Feeling Well, Turns Out She Had A Dead Turtle In Her Vagina

Daily Mirror – A British woman has reportedly been questioned by police on Tenerife after doctors found a dead tortoise inside her vagina.

Staff at the A&E department of a medical centre in the south of the island are said to have called officers in after making the bizarre discovery.

The unnamed woman, described as an expat, had sought help after suffering pain in her genital area which doctors diagnosed as an infection caused by the reptile.

Island newspaper El Dia claimed she told police she had begun to feel odd after going out partying with a group of British friends a couple of days earlier – but had no idea how the tortoise ended up where it did.

Classic not feeling well due to a dead tortoise hiding in your lady purse. A tale as old as time.

Seriously though a few questions here. 1. They said the size of the turtle was not revealed. I NEED to know the size of this turtle. That detail alone can turn this from a great story to a mind bending one. I assume it’s a baby tortoise but can’t rule anything out with this crazy Brit yet.

Which brings me to question two. How fucking hard are these Brits partying? They must have old school four loko over the pound. That is the only reason someone would get so blacked out they are jamming live animals in their vaginas. Also I ask because next month a friend of a friend from Britain, a man I’ve never met, is coming to Philly for the weekend and I have been tasked with taking this guy out on the town. Do I need to be worried about getting a fish in my pee hole? Should I keep this guy as far from the Philadelphia Zoo as possible? I should probably get my will together.