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by kylep1234

Monday Morning Gambler

Disclaimer: This is a satirical gambling version mixture of Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback and PFT Commenter’s Monday Morning Bowel Movement articles. It comes with no political correctness because this is America and in America it’s the land of the free and home of a lot of obese people dressing as animals on a Sunday. 

Cleveland Projects 2020 Community Service Hours To Be Off The Charts

Cleveland, Ohio is about to get an uptick in community service volunteering for at least the rest of the football season. Since Myles Garrett tried to re-enact the Bruce Willis classic Armageddon by hurtling an asteroid towards an object the size of earth he will now be suspended the rest of the NFL season. I like to think Clevelands volunteering metrics in City Hall will be off the charts to end 2019 and begin 2020. Do you want old and brittle Dolores from Accounting doing community service? Realistically what is she going to change? Maybe plant a couple flower beds or rake some leaves and go home after her shift and wait 365 days for the next Corporate mandated day of service? I’d rather have a 6’4 271 lb behemoth with a 6’11 wingspan who has a lot of time on his hands help my organization. Could you imagine the efficiency numbers? By the time next August comes around there won’t be a leave un-raked, a fence left un-painted. That spot in the school that has the color from two paint jobs ago because the janitor doesn’t get paid enough to get on a ladder and risk falling because the Superintendent got rid of the school district’s benefits because funding was cut, will now be updated. Many people look at this as a black eye on football, but I choose to look at this as a black guy on a footstool helping his community.

Joe Burrow? Ok Boomer.

Joe Burrow is the Van Wilder of College Football. He is older than Lamar Jackson and Kyler Murray. He’s choosing to party with Alpha Epsilon instead of diving for the pylon leading his team on a 10 play 75 yard drive. The consensus Heisman favorite and highly touted #1 pick is too old to take a risk on. By the time he wins Rookie of the Year honors he’ll be 23. Ok Boomer. I don’t want my team drafting a QB who can’t relate to his team because he’s making movie references about Shrek and they resonate with Finding Nemo. He’s a Redshirt Senior. He’s like the guy a year older who never left town for college and instead comes to the high school parties every weekend, but you keep him around because he provides the booze. Take your wispy mustache and Popov’s up outta here grandpa.

Workout Streamers

We don’t care what you’re doing at the gym! Put the phone down and go about your workout like everyone else does. But, millennial Colin Kaepernick continued on the tradition of millennials unable to separate themselves from their phones and reality. This weekend he live-streamed his workout after he read Gary V’s 64 ways to create content as a social influencer. In typical millennial fashion he protested spacial inequality and decided to move his workout from the Falcons facility to a place an hour away. Inconsiderate to those around him because driving an hour in Atlanta is the eighth level of hell.

The Reward Section

Primetime ‘This Is Us’ Tearjerker scene: Matt Nagy pulled in Mitch Trubisky and whispered into his ear like two lovers sharing an intimate moment. He whispered to him, “Sit down on the fucking bench.” But this rivalry between these two scorned lovers started in training camp when the Bear’s coach was gunning for Trubisky’s job then. How has know one seen the writing on the wall? This whole time Nagy sabotaged Mitch’s season for one last shot at glory.

Best Non-Touchdown Celebration: I mean this isn’t even a joke, there won’t be any snarkiness from me in this award. Quenton Nelson’s TD celebration was an all-timer in the history books up there with Joe Horn, TO, and Chad Johnson. So real. So lifelike. Art personified by the big man. The ref’s should’ve picked up the flag and let this stand.

Tout Tweets Of The Week

 

I thought we were going to lose the dog catcher for good when he made that sound 20 seconds in.

https://twitter.com/itsvegasdave/status/1195904606984794114

https://twitter.com/LoneHandicapper/status/1196180153631739910

10 Things I Bet I Bet

  1. I bet I’ll be first in line for Gronk’s Beach Bash you got another thing coming. You know what the best thing about retiring at 29 with a bunch of money. You’re young and you have a bunch of money and can be paid to be a name on a Beach Party Super Bowl weekend.

2. I bet you gobble up all that Malice at the Palace content. 15 years today. Watch the video below and read the oral history.

a. My Malice at the Palace Power Rankings:

  1. Ron Artest
  2. The Fan who threw the cup
  3. Stephen Jackson
  4. Ben Wallace
  5. Jermaine O’Neal
  6. Fred Jones
  7. Larry Brown
  8. Turtle from Entourage fan that got knocked out by Jermaine O’Neal
  9. Jamal Tinsley
  10. CSC Security for doing absolutely nothing per usual

3. I bet Georgia doesn’t make the CFB playoff. It just doesn’t feel right.

4. I bet Dak Prescott is looking for new houses in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. That dude is getting a record deal. *Mr Burns* Exxxxxxxcellent

5.

7. I bet Lamar Jackson trademarks “Lamarkable”, “Waxin Jackson”, and “Unbelamarable” that last one needs work.

8. I bet Mitch Trubisky has just about as much of a hip injury as I have a hip injury.

9.

10. I bet this corporation would buckle under immense pressure after one quarterly earnings call went negative.

“Some people call it boring. I call it being smart, being the CEO, and just staying the course.” – Kirk Cousins 

The Gamble Ramble

Myles is Gallagher

Mason Rudolph is the fruit

I’m in the Splash Zone

 

 

 

 

 

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