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What To Eat To Get Laid On Valentine’s Day (Or Really Any Day I Guess)

BadGalAli

Some of us don’t just show up everywhere with an easy opportunity to get laid. We have to make some effort, do some work to convince someone to want to have sex with us. Wearing lingerie or buying sex toys might work for some people, but the easiest way out is with some good ol fashion aphrodisiacs. This Valentine’s Day you can try to use some of these recommended foods to set the mood and scientifically alter someones physical reaction to you. Sounds totally normal.

Oysters

Fresh oysters in a white plate with ice and lemon on a wooden desk

Obviously everyone always thinks of oysters as a classic aphrodisiac urban legend. I’ve never heard a story of anyone eating oysters and getting especially turned on but they are high in zinc which apparently increases sperm and libido. Personally I can put down an oyster or two but if my stomach is feeling a little sensitive I don’t exactly want to look at a soggy sea creature and swallow it hole. Oysters smell like the depths of the ocean too, which doesn’t exactly make me want to jump anyones bones.

Chocolate

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I truly believe this one is just a marketing scam by the chocolate industry. Valentine’s Day has to be the 2nd biggest chocolate day of the year behind Halloween. The best way to keep getting people to buy chocolate is to spread news articles that tell you it will get you laid.

Figs

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Point blank if I served a guy figs on Valentine’s Day he’d be able to see right through it. Definitely poison. I’ve never bought figs in my life. Figs aren’t exactly typical guy food. If you can get someone to eat figs in the hopes that it’ll convince them to fuck you, you deserve it. Fig Newtons and I’d be willing to risk it all.

Honey

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When I’m sick with a little tickle in my throat, a cup of hot tea with a scoop of honey really does the trick. Not once has that tickle traveled down my body after so I’m not sure I believe any of the scientific evidence on this one. Plus I always manage to spill it in my hair and trying to brush that out is a nightmare.

Avocados

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This is just excessive. Here on the east coast, an avocado can run you over $1.50 each. How many avocados do you need to get someone horny enough? Seems like cheap wine would do the trick a whole lot quicker.

Asparagus

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Next to turning your pee yellow, everyone knows asparagus gets you horned up. Moms across the globe had no idea what they were doing serving a plate of asparagus to their entire families on a Tuesday night. I wonder if there is an increase in the number of babies being born 9 months after peak asparagus season.

Chilli Peppers

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Nothing sets you up for a night of passionate lovemaking than a bowl full of chilli peppers. Indian food, thai food is music to every girls ears on date night. Seriously I sweat enough just dealing with the general anxiety of interacting with someone else. Chilli peppers might put me in the hospital.

@aliweitz

@badgalstoolie

 

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