Original Article

As I was sitting here enjoying my morning coffee at my cube this headline stopped me in my tracks.

I Cheated on My Husband and Now I’ll Never Love Someone for Their “Potential”

What the hell does you fucking some Johnny Pencil Pusher have to do with someone’s potential. Your potential absolutely STINKS! The only potential you have is, am I going to come home from a business trip early and you’re going to be fucking the neighbor?

I’ve cheated twice in my life.

Once on a boyfriend.

Once on a husband.

I never planned to cheat. I never started talking to these two “misters” out of an intent to stray. I’m monogamous by nature, and when my needs are met, I can barely look at other men.

Yea, I’m sure my overtly obese neighbor doesn’t plan on getting Italian or Chinese delivered to his apartment every night, but he does and that’s why he’s fat. Dem’s the breaks sister. You cheat once, fine, dust yourself off get back on that horse. You cheat again? This time on your husband. Tara, you’re an asshole. And you snitched on yourself. Just cause your beta husband didn’t compliment you on the jeans you bought from Marshall’s you got all dolled up, went out for a night on the town with your girls, you were probably doing green tea shots, drinking vodka sodas – lemon not lime, and you sat on the first dick that winked at you. I’m not mad at you Tara, but don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Own that shit!

The first wrong choice I made was marrying my ex-husband. Looking back, I set myself up for failure, but it seemed like the right choice at the time.

Yea – pretty sure that was addressed in the headline.

I loved him for his potential. I thought marriage would change him, that our wedding vows would turn him suddenly more affectionate, passionate, and communicative. He’d be more complimentary. He’d desire and want me as I thought all husbands should want their wives.

Hey women, sit down, get comfortable. Don’t ever marry a guy for his potential. If you’ve been dating one, two, five, even 10 years the guy in front of you is the guy you’re going to get. We’re not an NBA Lottery pick. We’re idiot guys that like to do what we like and anything that gets in the way isn’t worth it. Don’t try to mold us into some Frankenboyfriend. If your boyfriend likes to watch College Football all day Saturday and get drunk and then do the same thing Sunday guess what? He’s going to do the same thing whether you have a diamond ring he had to spend three months salary combined with him now having to default on his school loans to pay for it. I promise you he’s going to be the same slob you fell in love with in college when he was at his slobbiest. You probably love him because you see him at 8am Monday through Friday when he’s looking clean cut because he has to dress up for work. If it was up to us we’d wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt to the office everyday.

Yes, I longed to be touched, but more importantly, I wanted to be known.

Yea – you were known as the girl who wanted to cuddle all the time. Nobody wants to cuddle all the time. There is nothing worse then cuddling. Your hair is in our faces; it’s itchy and annoying. My arm falls asleep. My neck is in pain because I had to hold it in an awkward position for a whole episode of ‘Love It Or List It’. The couch isn’t big enough for us to cuddle. Hey girls – we don’t want to cuddle with you!

Finally, the cherry on the top.

It’s the greatest lesson I learned, and exactly why I chose my second husband (not the man I had an emotional affair with): because I love him as him.

You got fucking married again?! Tara what the fuck dude. Does this guy know about the two previous times you cheated? If he does, he’s a complete idiot. This new husband is going to forget to compliment the Pumpkin Spice scented candle she brought home and she’s going to end up fucking the mailman. This chick is a Tazmanian Devil of cheating, just gobbling up dick every which way. If I’m this girls husband I’m heading out the door once I read this article. Though she is hot, she’s also batshit and no one is hot enough to deal with that.