Disclaimer: I wrote this blog last Thursday and I’m not revising anything because I’m a God damn icon who doesn’t relent to time sensitive pressure. Okay, so it’s Thursday and I just spent roughly two […]
Author: Joey Boats
I Will Impregnate A Generator Today To Become A Super Hero…
Okay, so it’s currently Thursday and due to three OT graveyard shifts, I’ve managed to accrue roughly 9 hours of sleep since Sunday. In other words, I’m pretty sure that transgender centaur who offered me […]
Antonio Brown Might Be My Favorite Athlete Right Now…
Okay, so it’s Tuesday and I may make my third attempt at seeing Once Upon A Time In Hollywood tonight so expect a review tomorrow. That said, I have to get something off my chest. […]
CEO Joe’s On Vacation, But More Importantly, He’s On The Hot Seat…
Okay, so it’s a reentry Monday and I’m currently finalizing the blueprints for a potential suicide plan. I figure if I swan dive off the peak of my office, I could generate enough velocity to […]
For The First Time, I Walked Out Of A Movie…
Okay, so it’s Wednesday and I have some explaining to do… Over the past two weeks, I’ve worked nearly 120 hours and, on top of that, I moved into a new apartment and smashed up […]
Is Charlie And The Chocolate Factory The Worst Movie Ever?
Alright, so it’s Friday and the sky’s the limit. Most Fridays around 6 PM, I’m already three sheets to the wind, desperately texting old flings to see if they want to meet up at the […]
Do You Think I’m Afraid of Russia’s FaceApp? Give Me a Break…
Okay, so the British Open is well underway and Tiger’s back. I’m sure I’ll have some commentary on the event in the future but I have bigger fish to fry… Throughout the week, the biggest […]
Far From Home: You Can’t Replace Tony Stark, But They Kinda Did…
Okay so it’s hump day, which means last night was $5 Tuesday, which means I finally managed to drag my cheap ass down to the movies for the first time in a while to see […]
Music Festival People Are Absolute LUNATICS…
So it’s a reentry Monday and I’m battling. As I get older, getting back into the swing of things after a long weekend of cheap booze and leftover Papa John’s is no cakewalk. Contrary to […]
I’ve Never Dominated Anything More Than I Dominated July 4th…
Shameless Disclaimer: Absolute hiatus on my end. I haven’t blogged in roughly a week and I’m probably rusty but we’ll find out. Time will tell and time’s undefeated but time has yet to run into […]
An IDIOT’S Guide To The Democratic Debates…
Shamelessly self-serving disclaimer: I’m not some some pigheaded, gun-hoarding Francis Scott Key apologist; conversely, I’m not some sanctimonious, Twitter-slumming outrage manufacturer. I voted for Obama in 2012 and wrote-in “Ja Rule” two years ago so […]
Top 5 Changes That Would Make Soccer “America’s Game”
As I’m writing this, it’s Sunday and the Red Sox bullpen just chalked up their seventeenth blown save of the year. More importantly though, it marks the first blown save ever recorded on European soil. […]
Toy Story 4: Pixar Took Mercy On Us…
Okay, so I saw Toy Story 4 last Friday and it was the quite the experience. It was an early afternoon showing and I walked into the theater by myself with a freshly groomed mustache […]
These Little League Parents Deserve Death…
Obligatory Side Note: I’m currently listening to Sum 41’s 2001 All Killer No Filler album on Spotify and it’s absolute fire. Carry on… So it’s Thursday, which means it’s the opening day for the fourth […]
Is Kyrie A Real Fucking Person…?
Okay, so it’s Thursday and the weather is getting to me. I think condensation may be my least favorite thing in existence. I’m also stuffed up from the surplus of neon pollen that has pooled […]