How come it’s always “when that Kyrie to the Lakers news drops” and never “when that Kendall Jenner new boyfriend launch hits”?? With the Nets imploding and the headlines filled with sad Trail Blazers fans who fell for a photoshopped screenshot of KD favoriting a house in Portland on Zillow, one of the biggest stories of the NBA offseason is flying under the radar.
It’s unclear what the current status is between Kendall Jenner and Devin Booker. Negotiations have seemingly stalled. What once appeared to be a West Coast super team is now unable to come to terms on a long term deal. Kris Jenner won’t accept anything less than first round talent for Devin Booker. The Hulu show doesn’t really seem to be doing really great, and people are still pretty mad about Astroworld.
Last I heard Kendall and Devin were filming a staged photoshoot in Malibu to avoid rumors spreading that someone as graceful and naturally athletic as Kendall would be dumped.
Obviously a failure, it’s time to consider where Kendall may throw her cooch next, which to be fair is anywhere she fucking wants. I’d love for Kendall to just lean in and join the Suns girl on the No Jumper podcast.
A hotspot for NBA free agency, there’s nowhere better to do some scouting than Michael Rubin’s white party in the Hamptons on 4th of July weekend.
Here’s Kenny cuddled up with Lil Baby and Drake, likely discussing the importance of a good perimeter defense. Rich Paul was even there to start the negotiations.
Here are some of the top rumored destinations for Kendall Jenner this offseason:
PJ Tucker +2400
He’s 37 so I could see Kris leaving Corey Gamble’s wide hips for PJ, but not Kendall. He has also been allegedly married since 2010 which may present a problem. However he was rumored to be with Blac Chyna back in 2015 so it might be worth it since Kendall was left off the defamation lawsuit.
Kyle Lowry +2000
He wasn’t at the white party but have you seen the dump truck on Kyle Lowry? Would instantly fit in composition wise with the rest of the family.
Donovan Mitchell +1200
This would be the safe pick. Like KD joining the Blazers. Would not generate ratings for the show, people barely watch Suns Jazz games. It would be good for Kendall because I can’t imagine there are that many bad bitches in Utah, and Tristan Thompson has already fucked them all.
James Harden +650
Kendall Jenner dating James Harden only benefits James Harden when he doesn’t show up in the playoffs and can blame the Kardashian Curse. I bet this would piss Ben Simmons off though, so…
Jayson Tatum +300
Proportionally I think these two would look the best together, however I think Deuce would curb stomp Kendall if she tried to take the spotlight away from him court side.
A Bartender at the $50 Million Dollar Home During The White Party +250
Just look at that finely sliced cucumber.
Carmelo Anthony +200
This would be the smartest business choice on all fronts. Igniting a feud between Kim Kardashian and her best friend Lala would rejuvenate the entire franchise more than Skims or Pete Davidson ever could.
Where do you think Kendall will sign this offseason?