Everyone’s favorite day of the year is finally here. Not Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Taylor Swift coming out with a new old album day….the long awaited annual early December release of Spotify Wrapped.
A time to showcase with your friends and followers either how interesting or how ridiculous your musical taste is. Everyone tries to pretend you don’t give a shit how much Norwegian folk your college roommate listened to this year, but don’t lie you click through every single one of those stories. You can’t hide behind numbers, so someone’s Spotify Wrapped reveals a lot about a person.
Before I even had to ask for them, the fellas of Branded Sports just opened up more vulnerably than every man I’ve ever dated, by sending screenshot after screenshot of their fave tunes of the year of the Lord 2021. Here’s what each guys Spotify Wrapped says about them.
Jay:
No one screams Alternative country more than Jay. In fact I’m not actually sure Jesus Boogie isn’t a song written and recorded by Jay himself. Anyone that has Fall Out Boy and The Shins in the top 5 artists listened to in the year 2021 has been through some shit. 154,161 minutes and 154,150 of them are the Garden State soundtrack.
Chavy:
There is only one person at Branded Sports that would have Kid Rock in their top 5 artists. Chavy is the kind of person that would leave Spotify running when he leaves the house on a band named Barbarian Overloards radio just as a year long bit for his Spotify Wrapped.
Walsh:
No way, the guy with the Blink-182 sleeve has MGK as his number one artist and a bunch of lower capitalization song titles in the top? Walsh is pop punk. If there isn’t a bass guitar solo in the song I don’t even think Walsh’s ears can hear it, like how dogs can only hear certain frequencies.
Mac:
Mac seems like a guy that likes to have fun based on his Spotify Wrapped for the year, but it could not be a worse time to have Travis Scott anywhere near your top 5. On PR alone I would have spent the past week trying to bump him to at least #6 knowing this was coming.
James:
There is nothing I would have loved to have seen more than James actually being a closeted Barb having to hit send on a screenshot with Anaconda as his #3rd most listened to song of the year. James seems pretty perfect at everything he does, so not surprising to see how naturally cool his music taste is–it’s actually kind of annoying. Plus after 30 I very much relate to a song called Scoliosis.
Eddie:
Eddie’s top artist is non copyright background music for his streams and his #2 is Kanye West. This entire list is a collection of red flags, probably the biggest is the appearance of Avril Lavigne. I mean what are we doing here Eddie? She wouldn’t even have made anyone’s Spotify Wrapped in 2002. Gotta give it up for the diversity though, no one can transition from Soul music to Hollaback Girl like Eddie.
Vince:
Vince is still working on functioning as a human being—there’s no time for music—so we’ll take it easy on him. He did want to make sure you guys all knew where to listen to the #1 Cowboys and Eagles podcast on Spotify, Birds Vs Boys. If I had a guess, an ASMR soundtrack of Aidan complaining about the wide receivers the Eagles missed on would take the top spot in Vince’s 2021 Wrapped.
Aidan:
There must have been an afternoon Sixers game on today because it was radio silence from Aidan and everyone knows Aidan can’t possibly watch his sports teams implode and be on his phone at the same time. Mature by him to realize that. There has to be a Ben Simmons diss track in the depths of the internet that Aidan uses as white noise so he can fall asleep at night.
Kevin, Joe & AJ:
It may officially be time to put these guys in an old folks home. I’m ashamed and frankly embarrassed that the guy who’s 3rd proudest accomplishment on Twitter is starting this internet blog prefers Pandora over Spotify. What’s Pandora ever given you guys besides the same :30 ad read at a volume 10x normal every 3-5 minutes?
Me:
I’m not honestly sure how far you’d have to scroll to get to a non Biebs song. What this says about me is that I clearly have superior musical taste and no personality issues whatsoever. Easy transition into the Bieber Christmas album for the month of December, just wait until Mistletoe cracks the top 10.