If You Don’t Like Summer You Can Go Fuck Yourself

There has been a lot of commotion over here the past couple of days, at least in the Northeast, as temperatures push into the “feels like 100” category. There’s really no straddling a middle ground here, you are either a summer person, or a fuck summer person and honestly if you are a fuck summer person, fuck you.

As someone born the first week in August, summer has always been the most important season for me. Maybe not for the poor woman, my mother, who gave birth to me in the late 80’s at 3am in the middle of an inexplicably hot day, but as a Leo it’s not really about anyone else but me anyways.

Growing up we learned the tricks of the trade as summer babies. Water balloon fights, running through the sprinklers, and when all else fails the novelty of the man made cooling device, air conditioning. Some of us were even lucky enough to spend time by a pool or a body of water (ocean > lake) on a nice 90 degree day, eating turkey sandwiches and Capri Suns from a cooler, another device specifically designed to keep things cool. I can almost guarantee the best memories of any of your lives happened during summer.

The argument has been related to adult lives, however.

Let’s start off at square 1, “normal life” fucking sucks regardless of season. I don’t care if you live in Antartica or Hawaii, living a regular 9-5 adult life is abysmal. No part of the year is truly enjoyable. We live every single second of every day for that Friday 5pm feeling, with those 2 days of non legitimate responsibilities and freedom. In the summer, no one cares about your productivity. There are no “Fall Fridays” for a reason. Your boss isn’t micromanaging your daily tasks, he/she is on a boat in Nantucket. Everything can wait until Monday. There’s no “song of the spring” either, the only season important enough to warrant a defining musical moment is summer.

And if sweating is the only thing stopping you from enjoying the luxuries of a glorious summer you are an absolute moron. If you’re too sweaty, here is a simple solution: go inside. Get central air conditioning, buy an in wall AC unit, get a fan, take a cold shower, jump in the ocean, a pool, simply get naked. The resolutions are endless. Complaining about being too hot is a personal problem and no one wants to hear it. Go to the doctor.

In the winter, you’ve got pipes freezing, bursting, bigger risks for disaster. In the fall, leaves can get stuck in your gutters and destroy your house. Spring rain can flood your basement. What happens in the summer? Lipstick in your car melts? You can bake a dozen chocolate cookies on the pavement?

Additionally, sweating leads to weight loss and thus ultimately being skinnier. Scientific studies have proven that people are happier with more Vitamin D which comes from, where else, the sun. Factually it means that summer is the best season because people are happier, and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.

I don’t care if you don’t like summer, it doesn’t affect me personally. I just think you’re an idiot who doesn’t enjoy the simple things in life like walking in an unobstructed path to my front door. My biggest pet peeve in life is fucking jackets. Having to think about outwear is a mentally exhausting burden I do not wish to bear. Putting on socks and boots just to leave the house for a coffee? Fuck no.

More summer for the rest of us. More sweating, thigh chafe, higher electric bills…whatever it takes to avoid being an anti-summer miserable fuck.


*Caveat is if you work in construction or somewhere outdoors during the summer that should be illegal.

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