After the year we have just suffered through; the global pandemic, social justice movements, political strife, police brutality, murder hornets, I can far and away say the last thing this world needs is a fucking White Boy Summer. It needs to be nipped in the bud early, before word gets to The Chainsmokers.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with almost every pillar of life in the White Boy Summer handbook. When you really break down the scripture, there’s almost nothing that doesn’t make complete sense. Much like his predecessor Meg Thee Stallion, founding father of White Boy Summer Chet Hanks has become the leading voice of the movement. Through him we have learned some of the RULES AND REGS for what a White Boy Summer would look like if it were to be approved.
Rule #1: No plaid shirts, Vineyard Vines – VERDICT YES I have never seen anyone in a plaid Vineyard Vines shirt and thought boy I want to fuck that guys brains out. Not once.
#2: No Sperry’s – VERDICT FUCK YES SPERRY’S GIVE OFF MAJOR ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS?’ VIBES WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE CHET HANKS SHOULD BE THE BIGGEST ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS?’ GUY AROUND.
#3: No calling girls smokeshows – VERDICT NO I will allow anyone to call me a smokeshow at any time
#4: No salmon clothing – VERDICT YES*
*except Tyler C
-Being quieter out of respect to other people’s eardrums (Brittany Mahomes could learn a thing or two)
-Wife beaters (apparel version) are on the approved list, as is a dry scoop of pre workout. Stirring things is not a part of White Boy Summer
-Perhaps the most essential part of White Boy Summer’s allure to me and probably most women in general is the clear banning of sunburnt, drunk, sweaty white men blowing their nasty booze breath in our faces.
If we’re talking personal space, equality and backwards hats, White Boy Summer doesn’t actually sound too bad on paper.
Now let’s talk music. The vibes of White Boy Summer don’t seem super clear at the moment. Without a superstar musical artist to spearhead the movement, white boys better pray DJ Khaled produces a song of the summer with Jack Harlow, Justin Bieber, Post Malone, G Eazy, and MGK (ft. Lil Wayne) if they want any chance at making this thing happen.
And if telling your bros “I love you” isn’t part of White Boy Summer there is just no way it’ll get any legs.
This just in: White Boy Summer has just got its own line of merch. I fear we have past the point of no return.
new rules for white boy summer pic.twitter.com/ZLEQiEadbD— Sam Fishell (@SamFishell) March 28, 2021