It’s crazy what one text message can do. I don’t have to explain that to anyone that’s ever owned a cell phone. Sending a screenshot of a conversation you are having with someone to that person, a horny text to your girlfriend’s mom, a picture of your date to the guy you’re going on a date with, we’ve all been there a time or two. Unfortunately when you are the #1 sunglasses guy in Barstool history, it’s probably happened more than twice.
That’s how volatile these power rankings can be. And guess what ladies and gents, we have a new #1.
- Kelly Keegs
I’ve been waiting for the moment I could crown my bitch Kelly Keegs #1 on the power rankings and she fucking deserves it. The episode opened with Tommy getting everyone on the same page to get rid of Kelly, just like I said he would. Coming off her mental dominance of Tommy in the memory immunity challenge yesterday, Kelly was once again in a must win situation. Combining the bad bitch energy of Kelly Keegs and Ria is a dangerous concoction.
At this point people are looking around thinking about who they could possibly beat in a final two, and I think most people assume a bitter jury will never vote for Kelly because they don’t want to see a bad bitch succeed. All I know is if you let Kelly in a final 2 she might just talk her way into $10,000.
2. Tommy Smokes
Tommy is still playing puppet master and obviously him being safe with his idol to at least get to the top 4 had a lot to do with his erratic gameplay this week. He basically gave Donnie and Nick the blueprint for making the final and they didn’t bite, in fact, they both did the exact opposite of what Tommy said.
Those responses should have been huge red flags for Tommy, noted non-Scuzz bro. He also showed his hand a little bit voting for Brianna, if she even noticed. Since Donnie and Nick both admitted voting for each other, Kelly and Brianna voted for Donnie, the Brianna vote was Tommy.
3. Brianna Chickenfry
Knowing this information, Brianna, Nick and Kelly need to team up and get Tommy out. Tommy cannot win the final challenge or he will be pulling off a season of dominance that rivals Tony on Cagayan. Not only did I learn I have been spelling Brianna’s name wrong all along, but it’s time to put some respect on it. She’s currently in a really good spot because I think Tommy would rather take Brianna to a final 2. And if Brianna can win this last challenge, she might have a real shot at the money. Frank deserves at least $300 if she does.
4. Nick
With only 4 people left to split screen time, Nick’s excessive charm is front and center. I don’t know if he can hide behind his mom’s antics, or his cousin Rusty’s grave tetanus diagnosis. His electricity is radiating from behind those clear acrylic hipster glasses–it’s undeniable. I think we’ve all been patiently waiting for Nick to employ a self destruction bit, testing positive for steroids or that KB simply misses him too much. Nick would beat anyone left in a landslide.
5. Jeff D Lowe
No one at Barstool was more equipped to guest host a Survivor trivia challenge than Jeff D Lowe. How long has Jeff had this outfit tucked away in his bottom drawer waiting for the call up? Honestly I think a Dunkin award may be on the horizon for this guest spot. Good for Jeff. Too bad you aren’t going to take this hosting gig from Kevin’s cold dead hands.
6. Donnie
The text message that changed the entire game. Donnie was making some MOVES yesterday, reinvigorated, positioned to possibly get that #1 spot in the power rankings today. But for the simple misstep of not double checking who you are sending a top secret alliance text to, Donnie knew he was out. He could have went along with the narrative that he sent it on purpose, to find out if Tommy really did have the immunity idols but ultimately I think Donnie couldn’t live with the consequences of lying about a fuck up so colossal. Nick’s belly laugh giggles made it worth it for all of us.
7. Zah
Ranking the jury members at this point is tough since they aren’t allowed to speak but Zah made his presence known at tonight’s tribal. Plus I think Zah will be the only one voting honestly and not out of spite. Can’t wait to see this fit.
8. Trysta
I bet she’s definitely already decided to vote for Kelly.
9. White Sox Dave
Nick was so distracted by Donnie’s group text he didn’t have time to plan a bit to make fun of White Sox Dave. That’s a win.
