Surviving Barstool Episode 3 Power Rankings: A Bunch Of Suckers

In the Barstool world, 3 days can feel like 3 months. Things are changing by the minute around here and I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when this is over on Thursday. Currently concocting my All Star Surviving Barstool cast and it starts with Kate’s baby.

After night 3, here are your new power rankings:

  1. Tommy Smokes

I didn’t really want to put Tommy Smokes back on top of the power rankings but the tape doesn’t lie. Tommy is running circles around these simpletons, and it’s honestly hard to watch. Tommy got caught lying about having the immunity idol and it should have ruined his whole game. Plus his performance in the mental competition was so bewildering he practically wrote his own eviction. If Glenny Balls had made it onto this season Tommy would have been cooked right after Trysta. Instead Tommy only gets one vote against him, finds out where everyone else’s loyalty is and finally gets a little color back to his face. It was starting to get a little scary.

2. Worcester Wonton

I will step up and admit I was wrong about Donnie. I think Worcester Wonton might be a developing character. Donnie showed a lot of master gameplay on episode 3. Going through Tommy’s backpack was the easiest way to really find out if he had the idol. The difference in the male and female strategy here couldn’t have been more opposite. Kelly and Briana figured it out with intuition and observing Tommy’s behavior, and Donnie just straight up went through Tommy’s stuff. Brilliant move to shift attention towards the girls when Tommy asked how he found out. Starting to think everyone was right when they thought Donnie was the biggest threat. If Zah wasn’t Team Portnoy I’d wonder if he made a deal with Dave before the show to call Zah the frontrunner and take the heat off of him.

3. Nick

Seeing even a glimpse of the behind the scenes magic that is Nick Turani felt wrong. Like I want to enjoy my Taco Bell without watching the cooks jerk off into my crunch wrap before serving it to me. It felt like a 7-10 year old watching your mom taking a few bites of the cookies you left out for Santa. We simply aren’t ready to say goodbye to Nick’s mom or his White Sox Dave skits. His spot is safe as long as he’s making people laugh and he may be the one person Tommy Smokes cannot outwink.

Plus this video Briana posted before this started makes me think Nick’s main character storyline is about to flourish.

4. Briana Chickenfry

Speaking of Ms. Chickenfry, I think there’s a good Survivor player in there somewhere, just not here. It’s like I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. If Briana had convinced everyone to vote for Tommy after getting him to admit and worst case scenario actually use his immunity idol, I would have slammed the bad bitch button. Even Tommy would have respected going out that way. Between revealing she was the rogue Tommy vote last week without any verbal coaxing whatsoever and now admitting she had a genius plan that failed because she didn’t sell it hard enough, I’m hoping she can actually pull one of these moves off. She could use the NAV immunity necklace next time. I’m hoping it’s a shotgunning challenge.

5. Kelly Keegs

Definitely did not see Keegs putting all her trust into Tommy Smokes coming. Once again she dominated the tribal council, but not in a good way this time. Gave me Rupert vs Jonny Fairplay vibes. She got out-cunted by Tommy and she couldn’t believe it. Still, her performance in the memory comp proved she’s mentally all around the best player here. Kelly is definitely a candidate for an All Stars season if she wins or not.

6. Zah

Zah can blame his captain Dave Portnoy for signing his eviction notice tonight. I didn’t hear that Pres had called Zah the frontrunner on the episode of The Dave Portnoy show that aired while Surviving Barstool was being filmed but it rattled Zah, got him paranoid and made him an easy target. Seriously though Zah starts working at like 5am and never stops so it seems like an unattainable pace for anyone to maintain.

7. KFC

New to the power rankings but KFC is dominating as host of Surviving Barstool. He’s a natural in the reality TV world. Could be right up there in the Mount Rushmore with Probst, Harrison, Cowell, and Seacrest. Just a notch below Dunkleman at the moment. The pack your bags and get the fuck out could be a signature line for KFC as a host moving forward. The anti-Tony Romo. Lets the game breathe, steers it in the most dramatic fashion possible, and with just a gaze in anyone’s direction can make them admit your deepest secrets and strategies.

8. White Sox Dave

The dynamic between Nick and White Sox Dave is the best part of every Surviving Barstool episode. That makes him indispensable. Thinking about his jury questioning before the final vote or potentially having Nick’s mom talk directly to White Sox Dave has my reality TV producer goggles glued on.

9. Trysta

I missed Trysta in this episode. Wanted to see more of the fallout, potentially an update from the jury house like they do on Big Brother. A separate after show of just Trysta and White Sox Dave would probably be bigger than Surviving Barstool.


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