Surviving Barstool Episode 1 Power Rankings

BadGalAli

Reality television is an industry that was hit hard by the pandemic. Gatherings of over 10 people are needed to produce just the fantasy suite episodes of The Bachelor, so some of us were worried for a bit there that the longer coronavirus continued, the inevitable lull in reality TV content would follow.

Sunday night was a fresh new kind of night for reality TV. Starting Sunday night, Barstool is releasing daily, pre-produced episodes of Surviving Barstool live on Facebook and YouTube. 8 Barstool personalities will live in the Barstool office as a challenge instead of just needing a place to stay, compete in daily challenges and fight for the chance to win an actual $10,000 in cash.

We’ve got Brianna Chickenfry, Donnie, Zah, Tommy Smokes, White Sox Dave, Kelly Keegs, Trysta and Nick. A mix of some old faces and some new. Some obvious villains, and one Survivor superfan. Day by day we’ll rank their chances of winning the money.

8. Cowboy aka White Sox Dave – ELIMINATED

Episode 1 of any reality show separates the insane from the psychological tornado brains. White Sox Dave is the latter and it’s fucking entertaining. It’s a god damned shame we only got one episode of Cowboy on Surviving Barstool, but WSD was the perfect first night castoff. That type of pure chaos is unsustainable for much longer. Everyone else saw that from a mile away. This wasn’t a vote based on strategy or game play, it was due to sheer intolerance of White Sox Dave as a person. Donnie almost saw the light but felt like the sleepwalking incident eliminated any chance of winning back any votes.

7. Trysta

If Trysta hadn’t won the bobbing for nips challenge, things would have been real interesting for the rest of the tribe to decide who would get the honor of being the first person kicked off of Surviving Barstool. Going into the first day announcing you are probably the main target believe it or not kind of makes it easy for people to vote for you. No one wants to be the first to throw anyone else’s name out there and show their cards. Someone like Tommy obviously knows that, but Trysta isn’t really known for her intuitive instincts.

6. Brianna Chickenfry

Knowing your opponents is a big advantage in a game like this. Brianna Chickenfry is a wildcard. She’s going to have to have some signature wins and big power moves to have a chance in this thing. In the survivor world smart people would know to keep Brianna around for awhile, expecting that she’d be easy to beat in a jury vote, but no one knows that except Tommy. You’d think maybe one person appearing on this would watch even 1 season of Survivor before doing this. I kind of hope someone has and is just keeping a secret to blindside Tommy Smokes. Unless Tommy starts gathering an alliance and sharing these secrets, Chickenfry is about to be Brianna Chickentoast (sorry).

5. Nick

I think Nick is going to out bit himself in this competition. This cousin Rusty storyline might fool people like Trysta, but good luck getting it past the powerhouse that is Kelly Keegs. Nick plays the perfect Queen Victoria role, but he’s obviously not winning The Bachelor’s heart or in this case $10,000. Wearing the Cubs sweatshirt to White Sox Dave’s funeral shows Nick might have a little more up his sleeve than your average TV villain.

4. Kelly Keegs

My girl Keegs is going to have to fight for her life if she makes the final 4. I don’t see Zah or Donnie voting each other out. This episode she asserted herself as someone willing to actually play the game, and everyone can sense Kelly’s bad bitch energy. Drama is Kelly’s middle name. I think she’d even be proud to get taken out at 4 as long as she has a memorable quote that gets put on t-shirts. If anyone is going to catch on and come after Tommy Smokes though, it’s going to be Kelly.

3. Zah

You’d think after living in an African jungle, seeing aliens and working at Barstool for the past few years Zah would not be easily rattled. Maybe White Sox Dave is just that perplexing of a human being, but I think Zah gives people too much credit, maybe too trustworthy. Not a guy you want to bring with you to the final 2, everyone fucking loves Zah. If I had $10,000 extra in my pocket I’d consider giving it to Zah if he just asked nicely. People forget they are filming and also going about their normal jobs, so Zah producing the last week of Barstool radio on SiriusXM from Breakfast to the Cousins to the Chaps and Kate show while winning might make him the early odds on Surviving Barstool GOAT.

2. Donnie

Donnie is #2 on the power rankings because I think Donnie would be among a small group of people that could survive an actual apocalypse. I’m not confident Donnie hasn’t already changed his legal residence to Barstool’s offices so having to sleep in a podcast studio doesn’t seem like it would phase him. Donnie and Zah being close works to his advantage, and Nick can’t play his comedy games with Donnie either. He’d beat Tommy in a landslide in front of a jury.

  1. Tommy Smokes

Tommy Smokes is #1 on the power rankings after the first episode almost as a default. The fact that his name was not mentioned once, found the immunity idol in the first 30 minutes without anyone noticing and was lucky enough to have White Sox Dave exist is bad news for everyone else playing. Knowing that Tommy Smokes is one of the biggest Survivor fans on the internet I would simply have shadowed his every move the second the game started. Wouldn’t have let him leave my sightline, which might have been challenging considering how much Tommy constantly has to pee.

Trysta not picking Tommy to split the suite with her solidified Tommy as the #1 spot this week. Had Trysta drawn any attention to the fact that Tommy literally wrote a blog outlining exactly how he would win Survivor, starting with laying low and not look like a threat, I think they could have gotten Tommy out first and crushed his literal life long dream of winning Survivor. When not one person put an extra nip in Tommy’s bucket, he must have known this was his to lose.

The most important thing you can do early on is lay low, connect with people without looking like you’re only in it for an alliance, and do everything you can to not stand out.

aliweitz

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