When Jared Goff got the news he was being traded for Matt Stafford, he was just happy to be going to a place that was going to appreciate him.
This is a feeling many of us have endured after getting your heart broken by someone that seemed too good to be true and finally settling down with the lovable, not as hot, perennial loser that knows how to treat you well. But geographically speaking, nothing is as big of a shock to the system as going from Los Angeles to Detroit. It has to be the worst downgrade in all of sports, especially for Jared who has lived in California literally his entire life.
Jared Goff was born in California, went to high school and college in California, and then was drafted #1 overall by the Los Angeles Rams in their first season in California after relocating from St. Louis. He’s spent the past 5 years living in the Hidden Hills near Drake, Kim Kardashian, and Howie Mandel and working the sidelines next to debatably the hottest coach in the NFL, Sean McVay. Made his way to a Super Bowl and signed a contract worth $110 million guaranteed, at the time the highest guaranteed money in NFL history.
In the meantime, he also naturally started slanging hot LA models. His *current* girlfriend is “California grown” Wilhelmina model Christen Harper who has struggled with confidence because of the unfortunate “size of her chest”.
Going back to at least when Jared was drafted in 2016, Christen has not worn anything heavier than a denim or leather jacked in any IG photo. Through some extensive investigative research completed, it can be concluded that Christen is a huge fan of sunlight, warm weather, beaches and bikinis. Not exactly tourism marketing campaigns for the great city of Detroit, Michigan.
I’m curious what the excuse will be when the announcement is finally made; likely a mutual decision to part ways as life takes them in separate directions but there’s just no fucking chance this girl is going to Detroit. This isn’t like getting traded from Green Bay to Buffalo. She’s going from weekends at Jared’s Hermosa beach house to Ford Field? Jared Goff can’t have dick that good if Sean McVay wants to upgrade him for Matt Stafford.
My pitch to TV producers is the NFL version of Wife Swap. Jared Goff just moves into Matt Stafford’s house in Detroit with his wife and 4 kids while Stafford goes to the beach house with a supermodel. After 2 weeks the trade becomes official.