My Pitch To Coach The Cleveland Browns

John Rich 1

Cleveland Browns are fucked, folks. Their facility has been shut down all week for COVID reasons. They haven’t even been able to practice. They’re missing their head coach, as well as multiple other coaches and players. Luckily for the Browns, I have decided to help out by volunteering to be head coach for their playoff game against the Steelers on Sunday night. If they would like to pay me that would be great as well.

Here is what I will do for Cleveland:

We’re going to run 4 passing plays that I know from experience work every time.


Don’t worry, we will run the football as well. I will decide when we run, however, I will let Nick Chubb decide what direction to run the ball (left, right, middle, etc.). I don’t know anything about running the football, or offensive line schemes. I just know the Browns are good at it. I have confidence that the team will know where to run, how to block, etc.

On defense, I will simply bring the heat.

More importantly, I will cheat. We are going to rely heavily on cheating. Spygate, ever heard of it? There won’t be many people allowed in the stadium, so I should be able to set up some friends with video cameras in strategic locations behind the Steelers bench to film things.

I will also bug the Steelers press box, so we can hear what their coaches are saying. I know someone who used to work security at Steelers games. I’m hoping Patrick maybe stole some keys at some point so we can sneak in the night before.

Adderall & Steroids will also be a big part of our game plan. Does the NFL still drug test during the playoffs? They wouldn’t have the nerve to drug test the Browns after all they have been through, right? I hope not. I took Adderall before a high school hockey game once and played great. If we get the entire Cleveland Browns team on drugs, I can only imagine how great they will play. If they do drug test, I will provide fake pee for the team. We can purchase Dr. Greens Agent X Synthetic Urine from The Shed, in Toledo, OH where I know it is sold. It is kind of scary to use because I’m pretty sure it is a felony if you get caught, but I promise it works great.

On top of that, I will utilize a goon to eliminate Ben Roethlisberger from the game. We’ll take the Browns largest/scariest player who doesn’t really play and put him at cornerback. We will then run a corner blitz. We’ll run the corner blitz until eventually the Steelers hand the ball off. I’m sure they’ll do it one of the first few plays. After Big Ben hands the ball off, he will never expect our goon to launch helmet first making head to head contact with Big Ben. Once Big Ben is on the ground, our goon will put him in an arm bar (I will teach our goon how to arm bar). Ben will most likely tap, but instead of conceding, our goon will rip Big Ben’s already injured shoulder off his body. Just like that, no more Big Ben. It will cost us 15 yards, maybe 30 if it takes us two plays (we will have a backup goon just in case). Either way, there’s no chance Mason Rudolph wins a playoff game.

I will also bring a kicker who is not Cody Parkey.


I remain open to suggestions.


Twitter: @JohnRichTV


Photo Creds:

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Jill Halasz
January 11, 2021 6:45 am

Never count us out….we rested all week and played with so much heart yesterday. They deserved this win!!!!

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