The Perfect Christmas Decorations

John Rich

Are you tired of being upstaged or outdone by your neighbors on Christmas? Does your Mr. Zirkes across the street take a big ol’ dump on your chest every year with an extravagant Christmas light show in his front lawn? No need to worry. I am here to help. Having the best Christmas decorations is a point of pride. Those who skimp on Christmas lights are viciously ridiculed by everyone who drives by their home. Their houses get egged. Trees covered in toilet paper. Their mailboxes are blown to bits by homemade pipe bombs. Anything terrible you can think of, that is what you are subjecting your family home to if you fail to decorate properly. Don’t let this happen to you. If you and your loved ones want to survive this Christmas season, simply follow these instructions, and you will be the ones smugly looking down on your neighbors this year.


Step 1: Build a Nativity Scene

Jesus will ALWAYS come first on Christmas. You don’t want anyone thinking you are an Athiest. Place an overly realistic, life sized Nativity Scene in the very front of your lawn. The more detailed the better. For reference, consider the highly disturbing (yet widely accepted as normal) stations of the cross that you will find on the walls of Catholic churches.




Step 2: Giant Inflatable Minions

Once you have a graphic nativity scene set up in your front yard, you are going to want to lighten the mood a little bit. Add a touch of class to your front lawn with Giant Inflatable Christmas Minions from the movie Despicable Me. People with Giant Inflatable Christmas Minions in their front yard are held in the highest regard by their neighbors.




Step 3: Christmas Lights Flashing to a Metallica Song

Stationary Christmas lights are played out. YAWN! You won’t impress anyone with those. Give the neighborhood a show they didn’t ask for by setting your Christmas Lights to the tune of Metallica. Go to Rent-a-Center, acquire the largest most obnoxious speakers available, put them in your front yard, and blast Enter Sandman at full volume.




Step 4: Santa Claus Pissing Off Your Roof

If you are the type of person who enjoys bumper stickers of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbs peeing on things, then you are going to LOVE this. Show the neighborhood that your family’s sense of humor is a little more twisted than most by installing a light up Santa Claus taking a piss off your roof.




Step 5: Giant Inflatable Gay Jesus

You can NEVER have too many giant inflatables in your front yard. Show the neighborhood that not only are you a god fearing, Christian family, but you are extremely woke as well. Gay Jesus is sure to ruffle some feathers, but you are e not doing this to make friends. You are here to dunk on the rest of the neighborhood with the most obnoxious Christmas decorations you can find, while simultaneously acting like you are better than everyone else by making a political statement.




Step 6: Christmas Wreath

Don’t overthink your front door. Keep it classy with a traditional Christmas Wreath.




Step 7: Build a Snowman on the Roof

Not an “inflatable snowman” or an “artificial snowman”. A real life snowman. Any self-respecting Christmas man will put themselves in serious danger to make their home even the slightest bit more festive. Knock back a few beers one night after a heavy snow and make your way up to the most slanted part of your roof to build the perfect snowman. Your neighbors will say things like “wow look at that idiot.. you won’t even really be able to see that at night”. But deep down they will feel shame that their father didn’t risk his life in the name of Christmas..



Step 8: Have a Merrier Christmas than everyone else




Twitter: @JohnRichTV






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