Wait, Philadelphia Used To Have An Island? Now Is The Time To Bring It Back

Joe

So I was today years old when I learned that Philadelphia used to have islands? What in the world? Our sweet Philly use to have their very own island getaway? LFG!!!

Free Library: “Long ago, Philadelphians had the opportunity to escape the congestion of the city by ferrying to two islands in the middle of the Delaware River, across from what is now Penn’s Landing. These islands were known as Smith’s and Windmill Islands, and have a complicated history that resulted in their eventual destruction in the 1890s. The removal of these islands is still relevant today, as the future of the river volleys between developers and environmentalists.”

So you have some islands and you just get rid of them? Feels like something Gov Wolf would be all over. Any who, this immediately made me think we need to bring islands back in Philadelphia and I’ve got some ideas on how to use it.

1: Sports team punishment island. This one is pretty simple and straight forward. Every year at the end of the sports seasons we vote on one Philadelphia sports franchise that has greatly under performed. This year we’d have ourselves a tight race with the Phillies, Sixers and Eagles. Which ever team loses they get sent to punishment island for their next season. All their players, personnel and even mascot (sorry it’s a team sport Phantic) can’t leave for the entire season unless they have away games. But once they get home, right back to the island. Imagine the satisfaction of watching John Middleton on a row boat going back to punishment island thinking about how much he should have resigned JT.

2: We turn it into a full blown resort getaway. Imagine that, a tropical resort right in our backyard. I know what you’re thinking, that would just end up looking like a bigger and dirtier version of Taste of Key West. EXACTLY. That’s the point, we build an island, cover it in sand, toss some shitty beach bars on it and boom.

The beer belly, cut off sleeve wearing, barbwire tattoos will flock to it. We keep the prices so low that no one with self respect would ever step foot on there. Next thing you know the rest of us can have an even better time in Sea Isle or even on vacation in places like Jamaica without having to run into someone named like Barb or Anthony from Ridley.

Those are my best two ideas of the top of my head but I think we’ve got some traction here. So I’m not sure how much an island costs to build, I assume like a billion or something. Let’s call Josh Harris up, he’s worth like 5 billion. We can even name it after him, Josh Harris island. Whether we go with sports team punishment or trashy get away island, it plays.

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