Evan Turner was one of my favorite players in my high school years. I was a die-hard Sixers fan and when they were awarded the #2 pick in the 2010 Draft, I was undoubtedly excited to have ET in the red, white, and blue. ET had a solid career in Philly, parlaying that success into a solid NBA career that is still going on right now.
But, things are about to change for The Kid ET. Following last night’s mockery of a boxing match that was Jake Paul vs Nate Robinson (see result below,) Evan is ready for his next career: beating the hell out of celebrities in boxing matches.
Evan tweeted out his desire to challenge Jake Paul during last night’s fight:
I wanna fight jake Paul
— Evan Turner (@thekidet) November 29, 2020
When quickly called out for his size advantage (ET: 6’6, 220 lbs/JP: 6’1, 189 lbs), Turner then took to challenging former Heavyweight Champion of the World, Anthony Joshua. Joshua checks in at 6’6, 237 lbs: a much more balanced fight.
Personally, I think Joshua would do to ET what Jake Paul did to Nate Robinson. But, this got me thinking of other celebrities that Evan Turner would annihilate in a boxing match:
Fight #1: Evan Turner vs Country Star Blake Shelton
I don’t have anything against Blake Shelton. I also don’t listen to country so he could have the voice of an angel. Doesn’t matter – ET is KNOCKING HIS ASS OUT. Fairly evenly matched fight as Shelton checks in at around 6’5, 210 lbs. Doesn’t’ matter – homie gets knocked out in the first. Next up for budding Heavyweight ET:
Fight #2: Evan Turner vs former Microsoft CEO and LA Clippers Owner Steve Ballmer
On paper, this looks to be an easy knockout for ET. But on top of being 6’5 and being very spry in his movements (see below), the former Microsoft CEO and current owner of the Clippers has one thing going for him that not many others on earth do: endless amounts of money.
Stevie B. could pay to basically turn himself into a cyborg with the resources at his disposal; A jab throwing, uppercut blocking cyborg. But money can’t buy EVERYTHING: ET’s top-notch athleticism carries him 5 rounds in a tightly-contested battle, which Ballmer then has to forfeit as a result of receiving a call that his Clippers have once again been bested by their crosstown rival Lakers.
And now, for the Heavyweight Championship:
Fight #3: Evan Turner vs Outspoken Sports Dad Lavar Ball
I would expect this fight to quadruple the numbers of the Mayweather-McGregor fight. Some would even go as far as to call this “The Greatest Clash of Athleticism Since the Days of Jesus Christ Himself.” Evan Turner has met his match both physically and athletically in one Lavar Ball, who has self-proclaimed that he has some of the greatest athleticism ever possessed by a human. Here is the tale of the tape:
Lavar Ball: 6’6, 263 lbs
Evan Turner: 6’6, 220 lbs
In a long, grueling (albeit entertaining) battle of athletic specimens, ET is able to knockout Lavar in the final round. Lavar’s decision to “stop blocking because no MF can touch me” turned out to be a false narrative, as ET’s right hook blasted Lavar and left him sprawled across the floor like Lonzo after getting posterized by a 6’1 Point Guard.
And there you have it folks. The new Heavyweight Champion of the World, Evan Turner.