Dr. Fauci Just Fucked Parents Everywhere By Saying Santa Is Immune To COVID

All around the world there are undoubtably millions of parents struggling to pay their mortgage, let alone buy Christmas presents, coming up with elaborate storylines to rationalize not getting any gifts this year. Jimmy Kimmel probably had a whole YouTube series lined up. The best bet would have been about a week before Christmas telling your annoying spawn that Santa–a 1,750 year old, obese frequent traveler with a long history of smoking and excessive sugar intake–got the coronavirus and has to quarantine so no gifts this year.

Well, here comes Dr. Fauci to take a giant steaming dump on any plans to rip off your spoiled brat kids.

“Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity,” Fauci told USA TODAY this week.

Fauci is telling kids not to worry, though. “Santa is not going to be spreading any infections to anybody,” he said.


From my experience with Santa he’s honestly not very efficient in getting from house to house. It seems like he’s constantly going from one side of the globe to another in his sleigh instead of going door to door which is a huge waste of resources and definitely not COVID friendly. Any word on if the reindeers are immune too?

Actually, have we even ruled out that Santa might have been the one to bring COVID here in the first place? I expect a Lifetime movie on this plot premiering in the next 2 weeks. Tim Allen should be itching for the work during such ambiguous times.

Before Dr. Fauci came out with any statements on Santa’s physical condition, it probably would have been best to have one big Zoom call with the big box stores and the leaders in the mommy blog influencer community to get on the same page. I’d expect more careful planning going into this announcement than almost any Dr. Fauci has made to date. Fucking with our general health, businesses, and livelihoods is one thing. Don’t fuck with Christmas.


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