Dear loyal Bloggies,
I do realize that I promised the Fuckboy blogs would be a series and have not posted another one yet. So, first, YOU’RE WELCOME for this blog. Last blog we talked all about how to spot a fuckboy.
Being addicted to fuckboys has been hard enough for me to manage amid my SUPER NORMAL AND WHOLESOME life. However, spending so much time among the specimen has not only given me firsthand access to their wealth of fuckery and knowledge but it has also begun rub off on me. Am I expert? Yes. If there was a degree in fuckboys from FUCKBOY UNIVERSITY, I would have a PHD. I am the definition of a fuckboy. I told you how to spot one, now I am going to teach you how to blend in and be one.
“Annmarie, Why the fuck would we want to do that?”
Well, this ‘how to’ is for the emotionally damaged. Maybe you are exhausted of rejection. Maybe you spend way too much time wondering what the hell is so wrong with you. Wondering when and if you will finally meet Mr./Mrs. right. Maybe you have tried person after person and have come to realize that there is no such thing. Or maybe you are just trying to see what its like to run train on bitches without having to be accountable to their feelings
Whatever your reasoning, here is a step by step basic guide for how to transform from a wooden fuckboy puppet into a real ass fuckboy:
Step one: Stop Caring. This advice has been given to me countless times by numerous different fuckboys, which is why it made the top of the list. You must stop expecting things from other people. Stop caring when others act a type of way at all, good or bad. You no longer care about anything. Didn’t get a text back? Didn’t even notice. Didn’t hear from him in a month? Oh my god is it November already?! This one was tough for me because I care about everything and way too deeply. But after subjecting myself to enough of the above-mentioned fuckboy research in the field, I have finally managed to just NOT CARE. This not only means not taking the behaviors of others personally, but also not allowing yourself to feel bad about the things these people are not going to love about you. When I say don’t care, I mean you no longer look at situations like “omg I wonder what Derek is thinking right now!” From now on, you don’t care about Derek or his thoughts unless his penis is actively inside you. Derek? Is it Dr. Derek Shepherd from Greys Anatomy? No. Then you do not know him.
Step two: Extract all self-inflicted guilt that you might feel from railroading other people’s feelings all the time. Remember that you are just living your best life. You can’t be really held accountable for other people’s feelings, right? You can’t even feel them so how could you possibly be responsible for them? Think about it. The best way to go about this one is just by first excepting yourself flaws and all. Present yourself openly and honestly to people. Let them know that you are a fuckboy right up front. I say, “I am a fuckboy and I will most likely disappoint you repeatedly.” Maybe even toss in an insincere “I don’t know why I am this way, I’m so sorry” to humanize yourself a little. This kind of statement it brutally honest, but in like a cute fix me, I am broken kind of way. Now, if the person proceeds, (let’s face it they cannot resist) it’s their own fault when they get run down. They rebuild, while I can still live guilt free. What they don’t know is that they cannot fix you because you are not broken. You are your own biggest fan essentially, so always see things through that lens. You are the fucking SUN.
Step three: Be UNAVAILABLE in every single sense of the word. As a fuckboy your biggest enemy is the feelings people will inevitably catch for you and try to force on you even though you both know it’s a bad idea. So make yourself less available for those Nicholas Sparks moments. And only hit them up for sex. Fuckboys don’t have time to text you back constantly or right away because we are too buys trying to avoid your feelings like the plague. If you think 4 days is an unexplainable amount of time for a fuckboy to open your snapchat, you’re wrong. Sometimes that is how many days it takes for you to realize I AM NOT YOUR WIFEY. Maybe I leave your messages on read so that you can know for certain that I did open it and CHOSE not to respond to it. Because as a fuckboy it isn’t about what other people want from you. What kind of DUMB-ASS likes a person like me anyways? YOUR FAULT. NOT MINE. Be busy. This is where I encourage you to start a roster so we can rotate in different victims so no one person gets too many scraps of our attention. That is danger. It feeds feelings, which we hate.
Step Four: LEARN HOW TO FUCK. This is so important to becoming a really well-rounded fuckboy. You need GAME. Smooth talk is your second language. Remember the concept of a fuckboy is to label yourself undatable but entirely too fuckable to resist. You need to learn how to not only achieve balance between emotional gaming and charming her fucking panties off. I want you to harness your sex skills to a tee, so that when you need to redeem yourself from extended absences and obtuse behavior without ever having to adjust your behavior you can fuck her brains out. Sex confuses everyone. Imagine how much more forgiving people are post orgasm. If you master fucking, people will stupidly tolerate a lot of your behavior just to secure another trip to pound town on the fuckboy train.
Step Five: NEVER give up the power. Being a fuckboy is a lot of mental games. You must navigate every encounter with no prospect of catching feelings, but every prospect of someone else catching them for you. That is the security plan to get the return sex. There is a constant balance of sour and sweet. And you cannot forget to assure that the person is confused beyond belief. Have them sure that you like them when they’re throating you but like otherwise you forget who the fuck they are. BE TOXIC. The biggest tool in the fuckboy toolbox is the IGNORE. Everyone hates to be ignored. It will turn everyone, even another fuckboys upside down. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. That is where you receive your power. The power belongs to whoever cares the least. You follow the Ignore up with the SLIDEBACK where you roll into their dms when it suits YOU and your sexual appetite and crank your charm up to seal the deal. If you lose that power, If the tables get flipped on you, its game over fuckboy. NOTHING makes me wetter than another fuckboy using my own moves on me. Without our true power, we are just normal, inadequate, damaged little suckboys.
There you have it folks. Its that simple. So fine disregard this super toxic ‘how to’ and continue your normal not emotionally chaotic life. OR- Follow me down the path of fuckery. It’s a vicious world out there kids and if you can’t beat them, join them. FUCK OR BE FUCKED.
The Queen of the Fuckboys.
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