Officially I am not allowed to be the spokesperson on this matter mostly because I was raised a Jew who still celebrated Christmas for the presents. Over the weekend, or more like the exact second the clock struck midnight on November 1st, many aggressively jubilant people rushed to string the lights on the bushes in their front lawn or get the 6 ft plastic balsam set up in the living room, sparking a national debate about when it is acceptable to start revolving your life around celebrating Christmas.
I am of the personal belief that there should be not one 8 count of Christmas music played on any airwaves personal or public until after Thanksgiving. Focusing on Christmas means we’re giving winter more spotlight than it deserves. People who start decorating for Christmas on November 1st are setting a bad precedent for this country.
The earlier you want to get your rocks off by listening to some bells jingle or making a gingerbread house, the earlier people think we want to start talking about Christmas, the earlier the Christmas ads start and Christmas ads are the fucking worst. No one makes a cute Christmas commercial these days. They are all cars with oversized ribbons or Jake from State Farm as Santa. If we start decorating for Christmas earlier and earlier I’m going to walk into a Homegoods in July and start seeing the wreath aisle. If November 1st Christmas people want to put us in that position, that’s on them.
Also, imagine being so happy that you can maintain a jolly Christmas spirit for 2 entire months? What type of mood stabilizers are you guys on? Do we not all unanimously agree that Scrooge is just “so me!”? Plus, honestly it’s a waste of electricity. Sick brag you can afford to keep a 20 ft string light flashing for 6 straight hours. The light up reindeer people are even worse. We get it, you can afford to pay your bills.
This year, however, I am making an exception. Load that Christmas tree into the living room. Hit that Mariah early and often this year. OD on Hallmark movies about a big time city girl returning to her hometown and falling in love with a local carpenter. Anything you gotta do to get us through this hellhole. The closer we get to Christmas, the closer we get to the end of the year and the closer we get to everything ending, right? That’s how it works? The second we hit 2021 this is all over? Let’s just grit our teeth through the mashed potatoes and give Santa his cookies and get on with this one. 2021 is our year, what could go wrong?