We Need To Do Something To Lift Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Spirits After Getting Benched For Tua

The two things I hate most in this world are people who hate cats, and seeing Ryan Fitzpatrick sad.

It just doesn’t sit right with me. I only want to live in a world where Fitzmagic is smiling at a podium with a chain on. We are all in a better place and more unified as a collective group when Fitzpatrick is happy.

That’s why it makes it extra tough hearing Fitzmagic talk about his emotions as he heard the news he was benched from a 3-3 Dolphins team for rookie Tua Tagovailoa.

“I was shocked by it,” Fitzpatrick said, via Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald. “It definitely caught me off guard. It was a hard thing for me to hear yesterday, just digesting the news. My heart just hurt all day.”

“I basically got fired yesterday,” he added, per Armando Salguero, “and my day today consisted of Zoom meetings with the guy who fired me, and sitting in a room with the guy who replaced me for four hours.”

Utterly gut wrenching. The part of the business that sucks the most, especially for QBs. Ryan Fitzpatrick has started for 8 different teams, an NFL record. He’s typically the guy you start the season with thinking “hey, this guy went to Harvard, he might be the guy” and inevitably he gets replaced by a younger, hotter prospect. It’s not the first time Fitzy has been replaced or fired by a team, but for some reason this one cut the deepest. It’s probably because he was actually playing pretty well and for the first time in 20 years the AFC East feels (wide) open. There’s no way he thought he was the future of this young Miami Dolphins team that drafted Tua 5th overall last year, but I think he was at least expecting a Mahomes/Aaron Rodgers situation.

Fitzpatrick has 10 NFL records, 1 Bills, Texans and Jets record and 5 Bucs records that Tom Brady will likely beat in a matter of days. Did I mention he went to Harvard? He has one of the best stories in all of sports, ever, and he’s so fucking fun to root for, even as a Patriots fan. I feel like it is our duty to do something to cheer him up so here are a few ideas.

  • Fitzpatrick has 7 children. He’s honestly probably a little pissed that as a backup he has more time to be at home with those children. What a nightmare. What if we all chipped in to get him a nice spa day or a staycation away from those demons?
  • A new chain. I’m not a big chain guy but there’s got to be something about getting a new chain from a cool jeweler. Maybe hook Fitzy up with Migos’ chain guy for a new piece? I bet that would make his heart better in no time.
  • A new job. Any of the other 30 teams out there want to make a trade to get Fitzpatrick as their starter? I’m eliminating the Pats because I don’t want him but there’s plenty of other teams that could use a little Fitzmagic. The Jets should probably just do everyone a solid and trade for him, probably end up in the playoffs anyways.
  • Some beard oil. Never can have enough of that stuff. With more down time let’s get Fitzy back on track as the #1 best and brightest beard guy around.
  • A good old Edible Arrangement. Everyone loves those fucking things. Nothing can brighten your day more than some chocolate dipped melon.


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