Imagine Getting Coronavirus Because You Went To A Chainsmokers Concert?


Pretty soon The Chainsmokers aren’t going to be smoking anything as their lung function deteriorates because they contracted COVID during a charity ‘concert’ performance in the Hamptons. Or at least that is in the realm of possibility after word got out that the ‘band’ performed at a socially distant drive in party last weekend.

I obviously didn’t want to fall in the trap of just reacting to a 2 second clip without looking anything further into it just because I wake up every day praying cancel culture finally ends the years of suffering having to even acknowledge The Chainsmokers exist.

In my research I discovered those crazy guys did in fact have a charity concert, charging at A MINIMUM $850 up to $25K to get to see some of the smallest dick energy press play on a keyboard. Organizers and some lucky concertgoers said there were dividers in the part of the venue being referred to as the “pit area” and that everyone totally felt safe and it was definitely worth it, which is probably what most women say after having sex with those two.

“Everyone was social-distancing and being responsible,” said Jamie Books, a resident of Southampton. “We had an amazing time and hope to see more events like this,” she added.

This was the image used to sell the event:


And like one of those “what you ordered online vs. what you got memes”, here are some photos from the actual event…

Screen Shot 2020-07-27 at 11.14.13 PMScreen Shot 2020-07-27 at 11.14.02 PMEd5ApTSVAAAA3KuEd5ApTSU4AAHkrM

Above all else, I’m going off the basis that they are at least generally aware there is a global pandemic which has shut down local travel, every major sports league and at least 18 weddings of girls on my Instagram. If that got Tom Brady suspended 4 games, I think we can at least criticize The Chainsmokers.

Can you imagine normally trying to corral 3,000 aspiring 20 year old influencers on psychedelic drugs and then enforcing them to wear a mask while screaming in the background of their Instagram story. I mean really what’s the point of a Chainsmokers concert if you’re not getting laid out of it. There’s no way people actually go for the music right?

Goldman Sachs CEO, aka DJ D-Sol, opened the event where FuckJerry’s tequila was served. If I was a conspiracy theory gal I would say The Chainsmokers might be a government plant to make some sort of political statement on this virus. Instead, I believe in science.

The great news is this wonderful event is coming to a city near you, coincidentally to all of the big cities with lots of young dumb people who feel invincible and are also probably super horny from being quarantined for 5 months. Not only are The Chainsmokers are danger to the music industry and also my ears, but now they are officially a public health threat. #ChainsmokingKills


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