HOW TO GET CANCELED IN 2020….if you’re a ghost

Chavy

I was flipping through the channels the other day after watching 7 hours of recorded episodes of Guy’s Grocery Games. I have a bone to pick with that show. Why is it, that after defeating the competition in the Flavortown, USA grocery store, do you have to run around and gather items to actually win money? It’s as if in addition to being a professional chef, you have to prove your worth as a major league Shipt shopper. It’s poppycock. That would be like having a bet hit at a sports book and before you collect your winnings, they make you knock out 50 pushups to claim your winnings after Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut hit the over on Independence Day. Not to brag, I did have the over on that bet and I can also do 50 pushups (still not bragging), but it’s besides the point. A rare miss for Guy Fieri.

Anywho, I’m flipping through the TV guide and it keeps freezing on me. I don’t understand in this day and age why cable TV interfaces are so bad. Makes zero sense. You would think Spectrum would take some of the ridiculous amounts of money they make from overcharging customers and put in some R&D. Maybe get someone from Silicon Valley to come up with a better system. Maybe integrate iOS? Idk, just spitballing here.

Anyway, so as my TV was freezing, I decided to go have a snack. It’s summertime which means watermelon. Watermelon is underrated and overrated at the same time. It’s overrated because it’s the quintessential summertime fruit. Go to any cookout from memorial day to labor day and there’s bound to be watermelon. Rich, poor, no matter where you go, big, juicy melons. However, it’s underrated because I don’t think people talk about it enough. When’s the last time you heard a discussion about watermelons around the watercooler? Never, that’s when. Everyone wants to chat it up about the sexier fruits, ie: mangos, dragonfruit, tomatoes (it’s a fruit, folks), but no one wants to talk about voluptuous melons. There’s a lot of discussion to be had as well seedless vs. seeded, how to pick the best melon, GMO vs. Non-gmo, can you drink watermelon juice legally speaking? I find that the best way to prepare watermelon for human consumption is to use a melon baller and make little mini-melons from the larger melon – melonception if you will.

After my snack, I saw that the TV was still frozen, “oh well, better take the dog out,” I thought. My dog had to go out. I knew this because she took a huge, steamy dump immediately. Well it wasn’t really steamy because it was so hot out. I didn’t do well in physics, chemistry, astrology, or really any science in school, but I know that dog feces (spelled faeces if you live in England) tends to only be steamy when it’s cold out. I know that had it been cold, it for sure would have been steamy. I held my breath as I picked it up. Dog feeses smells way worse when it’s hot out.

As I got back inside, I saw that my TV was still frozen – “at least something is frozen around here, it’s so hot!” I thought as I chuckled to myself. “I should do stand up comedy, like Ellen Degeneres or Tucker Carlson.

At that point, I decided I had watched enough TV for the day. 6:30 pm, time for bed. I tucked myself in an read a chapter of the Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus. It’s a pretty childish book, but it’s light reading and her antics just crack me up.

Just as I was dozing off, I thought, “oh, yeah, the ghosts!” See, my TV was frozen on the channel guide and I saw that an episode of ghost hunters was on. You don’t hear a lot about ghosts in 2020. I think it’s for two reasons. First, most ghosts are from the 17th-19th century. Pretty problematic times if you ask me. Easiest way to get cancelled as a ghost would be to start skulking around when you have skeletons in your own closet. Also, ghosts could maybe contract coronavirus. Probably best to not haunt people until we have a vaccine.

Follow me on Twitter @AgentChavyScarn 

What?! That’s Commishidente’s music!

That’s right Branders, my blog was hacked by one of my close internet friends and if you liked it maybe he will hack it again sometime. 🤷🏽‍♂️

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