Today In 2020 News: We Have A Firework Problem And A New Conspiracy Theory

At first I thought this was something unique to my little bubble in the world. Every night since probably May 1st starting around 6pm it sounds like we are living in the middle of an active war zone. Fireworks of varying sizes, frequencies and brightness are set off for the next 6-12 consecutive hours. Considering the current state of the world amid a global pandemic that feels a little too close to an M. Night Shyamalan production and the most important social movement of all time, hearing loud explosions while we try to get some shut eye to get up and do this all again tomorrow is not the best working conditions.

I know coronavirus days don’t count the same but what point in life do you have to be at to set off some bottle rockets on a Tuesday night at 7:30pm? How good are those unemployment checks that some people have this much money in their monthly budget for pyrotechnics?

In an effort to not seem like the “you must be fun at parties” girl I have to state I fucking love fireworks. 4th of July is my favorite holiday. The pure adrenaline rush you get from watching a firework show finale is one of life’s greatest highs. It’s so great because it happens once a year. I’ll give them the weekend for any 4th of July leftovers and have zero problem.

What has been going on in my little bubble has pushed me to my breaking point. The fireworks are relentless. It almost feels like part of my every day life at this point. Just incorporated it into my new quarantine routine of fighting with racist people on Twitter and never showering.

When it first started I downloaded the Boston 311 app and reported the fuck out of those firework junkies. You’ve had your fun. I’m not afraid to snitch when it starts affecting my sleep schedule. Turns out the entire city is pissed off. People with dogs and much worse– babies–are not fans. If you’re a dog owner with a pup scared of fireworks I bet you don’t even enjoy 4th of July anymore. Doing that for 2 months straight? Couldn’t bear it.

The 311 app is such a great idea in theory so people can report issues directly to the police without having to tie up emergency services. Strange though, because whenever people report the loud fireworks in Boston the police instruct everyone to call 911. How much of a dumb idiot do you have to be to call 911 for illegal fireworks? I’m lame but I’m not that lame. Yet Friday night it crossed my mind. That’s how unbearable it’s got.

Turns out most every major metropolitan city is dealing with the same situation. I’ve seen Philadelphians joining in, those who have reaching breaking points with their families and moved back to NYC have been affected, now that it’s finally reached LA I suspect a resolution will be reached soon.

Luckily for us, the blue checkmark brigade was out to get to the bottom of this. With no other reasonable explanation for such annoying behavior, people looked to conspiracy theories that perhaps the government is behind it–a natural connection considering the circumstance.

Writer David Hill tried to earn his stripes by sticking his neck out into firework Twitter at the expense of getting to the bottom of the problem.

And he pulled through.

So with 4th of July likely canceled, the professional firework display market is an innocent bystander here. No one legitimate like my Uncle Tony from down the street to purchase the real shit to light from his fishing boat. The black market firework plug scene needs to be made into a reality show.

Go to David’s thread for the story about his BIL.

So we’ve got professional grade fireworks being sold to black market buyers and set off in between crowded buildings where power lines and random low hanging wires droop a little too close to where I sleep at night. Nothing to see here.


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