Imagine this. You’ve just pulled out of the drive thru at Chick-Fil-A, you are grabbing your waffles by the handful and shoveling them in your mouth. You then wash the fries down with with your large Barq’s Root Beer then as drive away from the 2nd drive thru window (right after your Chick crush Jess (she’s 65 so easy there ya jailbait pervs) shoots you a wink and you feel the butterflies in your stomach as she tells you to have a nice day) you turn on your left turn signal on as you prepare to hit the road.
You turn into traffic when suddenly some soccer dad races through the yellow light because he’s running late to his son’s game and he hits you head on. You go head first through your windshield, your concussed, you have cuts all over your arm and you need medical attention.
What happens next? Is it a first responder offering medical treatment? Nope.
“Excuse me sir! Natalie Fistswiener WCUCK news! What happened here?”
All of the sudden a field of reporters swarm the car, bringing with them a makeshift podium like you’re Joe Burrow fielding questions after his Week 13 thrashing of the Dallas Cowboys.
“Well I was just pulling out of Chick-Fil-A ready to enjoy a nice Deluxe sandwich after a hard days work at the glue factory when some asshole in a Jeep Renegade hit me head on. And don’t worry it’s not actually blood all over me. I requested extra ketchup and the fine folks at the Chick-Fil-A on Monroe Street may have overdid it a bit.”
Seeing this photo made me wonder what else would be hilarious to be given the “post game press conference” treatment.
“Yeah I thought I was good to drive after my 6th Long Island. My route back to the condo seemed like it’d fool the cops but credit to them for playing some lockdown defense. We will go back to the drawing board and address these issues in AA and be back faster and stronger in time for next year’s Cinco De Mayo Fiesta”
“Now that I’m a free agent I can finally say this. My ex wife’s a bitch.”
“After little Billy pissed himself for the 3rd time in 4 school days we have decided it’s best to suspend him from snack time and place him in pissy pants protocol.”
“Of course I’m fucking pissed off! I went 0-4 on cat calls today and I got the union breathing down my goddamn neck telling me to give my guys a hour lunch break when we’re weeks behind on a paving project that has to be done by the end of the month!”
DUI PART II
*vomits all over the officer*
Pee Wee Football
“Yeah I probably shouldn’t have put Johnny back in at QB considering he couldn’t even tell me the first 3 letters of the ABC’s but with us on the brink of winning the league and a brand new (pre owned) Jeep Renegade from Dicky’s Jeeps and Toyota dealership I felt I made the right call.”
This is the way of the news with COVID-19 eliminating sports. Your move CNN Fox MSNBC and MTVNews
Header image via Reddit (LINK)
DUI image via Columbus OVI/DUI Attorney Blog (LINK)
Divorce Court image via Shutterstock (LINK)
Teacher image via 123RF (LINK)
Construction Worker image via 123RF (LINK)
DUI image via Adobe Stock (LINK)
Football image via Dreamstime (LINK)