Room Raiders: Branded Sports Blogger Edition

BadGalAli

According to all the Gen Z punks on Tik Tok all millennials care about is binging white wine and 90’s nostalgia so it certainly makes sense to bring Room Raiders back. Unable to procure a blacklight, and without explicit permission from their wives, I had the Branded bloggers send me pictures of their bedrooms. In a totally normal and not creepy at all way, trust me.

To add the ever important context here, this conversation started during an episode of the smash hit late night live Twitter show The Nightcap. Previously limited to the behind the scenes waiting area of the streaming platform we use, the at home viewers could no longer deny what was happening behind Eddie’s computer screen.

Warning: NSFW.

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Now Eddie understandably denied providing me with an iPhone level photo of his room. He sleeps on a floating mattress of brown with his air conditioning taped in with blue painters tape.

What might backfire in this situation is now everyone thinks Eddie is a potential serial killer. The pixelation doesn’t help his cause, but what’s clear as day is Eddie needs to be flagged on some sort of list. He claims it’s because “he’s moving” so I patiently await the feng shui of his new spot. Perhaps a bed frame is on the way from Amazon.

What it needs is a little woman’s touch. Even an oil diffuser would be an improvement at this point. The first thing I’d do in a single mans apartment is upgrade from plastic hangers.

Not going to even get into the pillow and sheet situation but if you want to pile onto Eddie you can watch as we do exactly that here.

So moving on to the rest of the bloggers. We are going to get out our digital magnifying glasses and let you guess who is who.

Room 1:

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First up you can clearly notice a woman lives here. There are 2+ down or down alternative sleeping pillows, an array of candles and even baskets to organize things. There’s a color scheme and a bed frame, so off to a great start. Mounted cable TV in the bedroom is a big flex.

I’m guessing that sign says something like “Home Is Where MY WIFE Is” just to remind whoever’s room this is every morning immediately when they wake up.

If I were doing an authentic Room Raid I would love to rifle through that jewelry case. Not to steal anything but to see what kind of budget we’re working with.

Room 2:

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Ladies and gents we have a headboard.

This is a tough bedroom for people who have trouble waking up in the morning. With blackout curtains like that and literally no overhead lighting, if you don’t set an alarm on a Sunday morning you might sleep until 4pm. Unsure if the lightbulb on the floor lamp is out but impressed at the brightness one bulb is bringing. Must be like a 100W LED.

Doing double duty here as an office and bedroom, the luxury of square footage, but if I slept over this room I feel like I would assume I was being recorded. Although the sight of that type of classic square floor fan might make me not care. A must have sleeping accouterment.

The presence of a dog bed (that is a dog bed right?) greatly affects my opinion of this room in general. Can look somewhat past a sea of beige when you potentially have a very good boy I can boop.

Room 3:

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Another classic “I’m married” move having a Mr and Mrs pillow front and center. A true wife power move. No one is bringing a mistress into a room with a Mr and Mrs cursive pillow. I bet they are like, genuinely happy too, which is bullshit.

My largest concern would be the nightstand situation. What do you put your phone on to charge at night? Everyone knows sleeping with those electromagnetic waves under your pillow is bad for your brain.

Sliding closet door mirrors trip me out a little bit too. Have a few drinks and you walk into the door thinking there’s another bed to lay down on.

Room 4:

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Unfortunately I am unable to conceal whose room this is because Aiden practically has a fathead of him shooting a jumper in traffic next to his bed (he can confirm he made the shot).

Rocking with the classic Ikea Malm collection, I think the only decoration I’d keep is the basketball hoop trash bin. Would dominate the low post on that carpet. I bet that thing is half responsible for Aiden’s poster shot.

I can see Aiden as a big jump up and tap that Eagles logo before he leaves his room every morning to get pumped up. No coffee, just a light tap of the Eagles logo.

Room 5:

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The person whose room this is wants you to know this is only his vacation bedroom. Doesn’t want you to think he normally wakes up to a sprawling view of vibrant wildflowers and a gently tossed throw blanket. Anyone with a minimum of 3 accent pillows that you take off the bed before sleeping must be a real classy bitch.

Someone who would also want to share a photo of his living room during Christmas to show just how classy he is. I couldn’t fathom how you’d guess this one.

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Room 6:

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If I were to encounter this one on an episode of Room Raiders I’d be convinced this guy lives with his mom. Having a matching bedroom set with a bed, dressers, and nightstands is a real adult move. I am willing to bet a lot of knees have been dinged and toes jammed with this set though, and that’s how you know you’re a real adult.

For some reason the bedroom trend seems to be that everyone is very against having 2 nightstands. The crown molding is a little over the top like we get it, you’re the boss. I bet actual reading happens in this room too.

What room do you think belongs to who? Will you venmo Eddie so he can get another pillow?

aliweitz

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