What’s up everyone this is Antonio “Dingerz” Babaganoosh aka Mr Steal Yo Base aka Mr Steal Yo Girl aka The Man, and I’ve hacked into Chavy’s account here to give you the tipz you need to be da KING OF SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL! SO ENOUGH SMALL TALK LET’S SMASH SOME RED BULL VODKAS AND TALK SHOP!
Tip #1 Make that team name intimidating as fuck!
When signing up for a summer league or a tourney (that you’re going to fucking win becuz you’re a softball god!) make that team name sizzle so you strike fear into your
opponents victims. Something like the Basez Mafia or the Heavy Hitterz should let everyone know not to fuck with you!
Tip #2 Shave that bat dawg!
If you ain’t cheatin in rec league softball you ain’t fucking trying! For the unaware I’ll let google describe to you the art of bat shaving.
I don’t care what anyone says about this being a safety issue, I just want to hit fuckin dingerz and win that home run crown that comes with a $25 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings!
Tip #3 Have a sick playlist ready to play all game on your HUGE Bluetooth speaker
Something like this monster should do the trick (pro tip slap a sick TapOut (RIP Mask) sticker on this bad boy to increase your alpha status).
Also you and the boys are going to want to come in hot with that FIRE 🔥 playlist so make sure you play the sickest rap hits of the early to mid 2000’s and don’t be afraid to strut your shit on the bases like the peacock you are!
Tip #4 Buy as much gear as possible to wear on gameday
You should be walking onto the field every game like you just stepped out of a 10 year old’s 2K game after spending $25 worth of VC in the shop. Sweatbands, a pair of Oakley’s, flatbill with your team’s sick logo on it, and some USA themed pants should do the fucking trick.
Tip #5 ABSOLUTELY NO DRINKING BOOZE
You think you’ll be able to win leagues and tourney’s smelling like a brewery? Fuck that you gotta be wired and in the fucking zone! Rip It’s and Monster’s only bro!
Tip #6 ABSOLUTELY MUST VAPE
This another tactic used to show the other teams just how badass you are. Blowing a sick cloud before getting in the box makes for a great Instagram pic and will get well over 25 likes. Also for anyone who tells you smoking is bad for you and will affect your base running abilities tell em to suck your balls. I don’t need to worry about running the bases if I’m exclusively hitting fucking MOONSHOTS!
Tip #7 Use any money that’d go towards that engagement ring for tourneys.
So what if you and your girl have been dating for 6 months and she’s ready for you to make a commitment? Tell her you gotta prepare for Natty tournament and that takes playing at least 3 tourneys a month to get ready for. If she’s a true ride or die she’ll understand.
Tip #8 ABSOLUTELY NO SPORTSMANSHIP
Softball is a man’s game and man does not show any weakness by saying “good game” or “nice hit bro”. And you never apologize for “accidentally” hitting the ball right back at the pitcher that caused him permanent blindness in his left eye. That work team full of lawyers that refused to rep
me you after my your multiple DUI’s are fucking dead to me you. If there’s kids around make sure to swear to establish dominance and show those kids who their daddy really is.
Tip #9 HAVE FUN
JUST KIDDING YOU THOUGHT I’D GONE SOFT ON YOU? SOFTBALL ISN’T JUST A GAME IT’S A FUCKING LIFESTYLE!
Tip #10 DON’T THINK ABOUT HOW YOU PUT ON A MACHO PERSONA ON AND OFF THE FIELD TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU REFUSE TO ADDRESS REPRESSED MEMORIES FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD
You are not the bed wetting, couldn’t get a date to prom, failed home economics, cut from the baseball team, mommy dropped you off at school all four years of high school loser anymore. You are a softball god. And be ready to be declared “King of the class” at your 10 year reunion when you walk in fresh off a tourney win, decked out in your swagged out jersey while being juiced to the fucking gills.
If you use these tips I guarantee you’ll win every game and be knee deep in puss at whatever bar you celebrate the post game victories at.
Header image via Pinterest (LINK)