Spitballing Some New Ideas For This Social Media Executive Order


So there is an executive order signed in regards to ‘social media’ in some way or form. I don’t know the full details so I have no statement on the actual order but I’m pretty sure the whole point of social media is that there are no restrictions besides fucking with cats at any point. However I do actually think there are some quick and easy ways to make social media a better place that should be strongly considered.

1. Obviously an edit button would be first priority. Possibly the thing to unite us all, Trump needs to seriously consider scrapping whatever he currently has planned and just go with an edit button. It’s what we all need at this time.

2. Posting 53 consecutive story dedications of throwback photos that only you look cute in to honor your friend on her birthday. Just send a fucking text and post your thirst trap.

3. Eliminate photo challenges that involve posting pics of your children across the span of at least two weeks. Make an iCloud album for your family. No one else cares how much tummy time Brynnleigh had today. Honestly at this point I mute people the minute they’re out of labor and delivery. It would feel a little invasive yet predictable if Trump made an executive order to control women’s right to post those awkward post-birth hospital bed selfies but it wouldn’t be his worst policy.

4. If you’re profile picture is you wearing sunglasses in the front seat of a pickup truck all of your comments on social media are submitted to a separate portal that reroutes to SmarterChild chat. The real ones know SmarterChild.

5. Free the goddamn nipple. Julia Rose should be the driving force behind this proposed order. If we have to be confronted with 19 year old tik tok “stars” gyrating commando in grey sweatpants, at least free the nipple.

6. When a celebrity tries to post something controversial or remotely political there should be a “Are you absolutely sure you want to post this??” Prompt that shows a video of Vanessa Hudgens’ people are going to die video.

7. Before men are allowed to comment anything about a woman’s appearance online there should be a scanner of his physical appearance that reminds him he is either ugly, fat, balding or looks like he smells.

8. MJ vs LeBron debates are banned from social media forever. Perhaps the most important suggestion here. No one in the history of social media has converted from an MJ or LeBron GOAT side to the other based on an argument made on social media. If we can’t decide on a GOAT I guess there isn’t one.

Any other suggestions I missed here? I feel like any of these would be an improvement over whatever the actual executive order says.


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