Is a split pee stream the new alarm clock?

Like most guys I wake up early for work and it takes me about 10-15 to actually “wake up”. The 2 alarms I set usually don’t do the trick, probably because I snooze them and roll over for a few more extra minutes of sleep before I get up, grab the lunch pail and hard hat and ready myself for a tough day at the desk.

But 4 out of the last 5 mornings something has been happening that has snapped me right out of my drowsy state. When I stepped in front of the toilet, lifted the seat up, and pretended that I was pissing all over AT&T Stadium, my once steady dead eye straight stream was split and uncontrollable like a goddamn fire-hose.

With piss (clear because I stay hydrated) flying everywhere I had no choice but to snap out of my drowsy state and act quickly or risk flooding another bathroom (it could’ve been the 2nd bathroom in less than 6 days).

While I was baffled as to why this was happening I was more awake and alert when I clocked in for work than I had been in quite some time. But surely these split pee streams couldn’t happen every morning, and if they did happen every morning surely they’d lose the element of surprise and I’d be back at square one with my tiredness.

Before I could even think about that I had to figure out why my pee streams were splitting in half. I had first assumed my parents quarantine roommates had played a sick practical joke on me involving super glue. But when I questioned them over dinner they seemed confused but not really surprised that I would raise such accusations against them. So once I eliminated a practical joke as the culprit of my split stream I took to Google for some internet research.

The answer?

Uhhh….yeah there has to be another reason this is happening right? I’ll be right back.

Okay I just explained my situation to the Chairman of the Glickman Urological & Kidney Institute Dr Eric A. Klein MD at the Cleveland Clinic and before he hung up on me he explained that this is most likely the reason I was missing the toilet wide left and wide right the last 4 out of 5 mornings.

At this point you’re probably wondering why I am admitting that this has happened to me. Well to be honest I know this has happened to bigger and braver men than me who may feel embarrassed about having this issue. So I am more than happy to be the poster child while bringing more eyeballs to the problem 95% of men are facing. I think I speak for every guy (and our resident girl Ali) here at Branded Sports when I say “let’s end the stigma behind Adhesion aka scindo urinae amnis aka uncontrollable split pee streams.” Our hope is that any man or woman that reads this blog will no longer feel ashamed of their split stream, because 2020 is the year that we stop shaming precum or left over ejaculate!

I SAID 2020 IS THE YEAR THAT WE STOP SHAMING PRECUM AND LEFT OVER EJACULATE!

I didn’t plan on being the hero behind this noble cause, but I’ll be dammed if I let someone feel ashamed because a little leftover semen stuck the edges of their urethra together!

Thank you and goodnight.

Header image via IndieWire (LINK)

GIF used as reference for pee stream being like a uncontrollable fire-hose via GFYCat (LINK)

GIF used to get the crowd riled up over precum and leftover ejaculate Via GIPHY (LINK)

The rest of the photos I made myself.