While everyone enjoyed their time off during the holiday weekend (and also remembering those who have fallen in the line of duty), I spent my weekend refreshing Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and VSCO, making sure certain BaSless and false allegations against me never see the light of day.
So in an effort put these rumors to rest I am getting out in front of the story instead of hiding behind my social media apps waiting to hit the “report” button on any slander written about me.
I DID NOT HAVE AN IBS FLARE UP AFTER EATING STEAK FAJITAS AND RUSH TO USE MY FUTURE IN LAW’S BATHROOM.
I DID NOT CLOG THE TOLIET WITH SAID IBS EPISODE.
I DID NOT SIT DOWN TO WATCH TIGER VS PHIL II ASSUMING EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
I DID NOT WALK BACK INTO THE BATHROOM TO PISS AFTER DRINKING A FEW BUSCH LIGHTS (16 oz cans) AND FIND THE TOLIET CLOGGED.
I DID NOT PANIC AND START FURIOUSLY PLUNGING THE TOLIET TO NO AVAIL.
I DID NOT TRY FLUSHING IT AGAIN AND WATCH THE WATER RISE TO THE TOP LIKE A BLUE WATER VOLCANO READY TO ERUPT.
I DID NOT FIRE OFF A TEXT THAT SAID “PLZ HELP BATHROOM”
I DID NOT START SWEATING PROFUSELY AS EVERYONE CROWDED AROUND THE BATHROOM REALIZING THR MAGNITUDE OF THIS SITUATION.
I DID NOT GET TO WATCH ANY OF TIGER VS PHIL II AS THE WHOLE FAMILY TURNED THEIR ATTENTION TO MAKING SURE THE BASEMENT WOULDN’T FLOOD.
I DID NOT SPEND THE 1 HOUR 22 MINUTE DRIVE BACK HOME SULKING IN MY OWN SHAME.
Again I cannot stress enough that NOT of this actually happened and the only reason I’m even giving these rumors any attention is to discredit them.
So having said that, I hope everyone had a better Memorial Day Weekend 2K20 than me.