How Will Roger Goodell Get Out Of Watching A MNF Game With Charitable Donator And Overall Great Person Dave Portnoy?


Well, well, well, what do we have here? Despite a struggling global economy, losing millions per day on the stock market (looking at you Norwegian Cruise Lines), working day and night to run his online empire, Dave Portnoy still has charity on the brain.

For a handsome 6 figure donation, El Pres becomes a hero to many struggling during the coronavirus with all of the help his donation will make. A family will be able to put food on the table because of his generosity, and as a bonus, he will get his prize. A hang sesh with the coolest guy in the biz. A private viewing of a Monday Night Football game with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, hopefully with that famous M&M jar.

What a prize! Now ordinarily you’d think a man as powerful as Roger Goodell would jump at the chance to spend time with such a generous benefactor in the most public way possible. However with a longstanding history of crumbling in the face of any organic personal interaction, especially with stoolpresidente himself, this puts the commish between a brick and a hard place.

There’s absolutely no way the NFL allows this to happen. First of all the “Fan Cave” has to be some secluded studio in the middle of nowhere. The NFL having to provide Roger Goodell’s address to would crash the entire system. Honestly I’m shocked the ip address wasn’t blocked from their servers. What excuse do we think Goodell will come up with to void this contest? Here’s my top suggestions for Roger:

  1. The payment wasn’t received properly so the prize was put back into auction. Just pretend they never received it, don’t send a receipt and award it immediately to another bidder, preferably one with a story sad enough to make the NFL draft.
  2. Say absolutely nothing and hope people forget about it. Make a statement the Monday after the Super Bowl saying you tried to contact the winner for months to no avail.
  3. Have the NFL PR team write up a vague statement explaining how this violates section 34.7 on page 289 of the contest rules.
  4. Just do the fucking thing, wear a clown shirt and act like a normal functioning human being that has a shred of self awareness because none of this matters anyways since you have a billion dollars for doing a job my Roomba could do.


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