It’s no secret that even in a worldwide pandemic with no life sports to watch, baseball is kinda boring. If you’re not a father of 3 looking to avoid your life responsibilities in a Lay-Z-Boy recliner beer in hand nodding off to the sound of Sweet Caroline, Major League Baseball certainly leaves something to be desired.
What better time than now to brainstorm ways to make baseball great again. And who better to lead the charge than creator of The Bachelor, Mike Fleiss? The L.A. Times sat down with random TV producers to pitch a few ideas on how to revive baseball in a socially distant world.
“It needs to be freshened up. If we were looking at this as a TV show, we’d say, ‘What can we do to refresh it, to look at it from an entertainment standpoint rather than a sports standpoint?’ ” –LATimes.com
While other ideas like hologram audiences or having kids art direct player Tik Tok videos aren’t enough to remotely move the needle, Mike Fleiss has something on his hands with his idea to incentivize players to get back to sports.
Should be no surprise from the guy who brought you the oral sex Bachelor in Paradise shutdown and “here is your key to the fantasy suite if you choose to forego your individual rooms”. Here’s the idea. Minus the fact that some of these guys have children to be present for, all they care about after that is fucking. Right off the bat I’m in agreement, that’s a universal truth.
“The biggest problem with why sports leagues will never do it is that I don’t think the players will be able to maintain quarantine. These guys are never going to be able to go cold turkey. You’ve got to be able to embrace that truth and make that part of the game.”
So, Mike says, let’s quarantine these guys during off days, but during the game let all of the WAGS put on their best crop tops and denim jackets, an extra pump of lip filler and fill the stadium.
“What you do is, each game, you load up the stadium with their wives, at a distance from them and at a distance from each other, so there is no quarantine violation. The winning team gets to have their wives tested, and then essentially a conjugal visit.
“You can [film] all the girls. They’re beautiful. They’re in the stands, separated in their own sections or whatever. Those guys are now playing for more than the pride of winning a baseball game. If you go on an eight-game losing streak, that’s not good.”
Fairly certain this would have the numbers to pass among MLB players. Just what the world needs, horned up roid rage. From a TV standpoint, it’s brilliant. The man knows how to make a reality show. What are we going to start pitching tents in the outfield? Will the league pay for the hotel rooms and STD tests?
The real wives have to hate this idea though. You are spending your whole day taking care of kids, fighting people in the store for toilet paper and then you’re just expected to doll yourself up, maybe throw on a winged eyeliner just to watch your husband lose and go jerk off in a hotel shower? The divorce rate would probably skyrocket.
It would force the Instagram models to be a little bit more on their toes, though. Play your cards right and you can have your own season of The Bachelorette.