I was up all of last night nervous puking. Today is my first day as the top front office executive for the very legit backyard fantasy football team, Pablo and the Melonheads. These next few weeks could make or break my career as a front-office executive. Anxiety levels are high. So are championship aspirations.
Since this is the first week, a little breakdown is needed. Games can’t obviously be played simultaneously like in the NFL. So, there is no RedZone channel we can tune into to see 7 or 8 games play out all at once. The results come in one by one. But, the fantasy point structure remains the same.
Here’s the opening week lineup and the game results follow below:
- I got down early because because Debra Hanigan balled out in the early game. She scored 3 touchdowns, leading the Steelers to the win over the Browns. Apparently Hanigan is the Lamar Jackson of this league with those rushing stats. Two things in this league are parallel to the NFL in real life: the Browns getting housed in Week 1 of the season AND me playing against a player who has a career day in fantasy
- The Raiders got smoked and played horrible in Week 1 (I guess this game isn’t too far off of real life after all). Steve McNair (RIP in peace) turned the ball over like he was allergic to the ball. Raiders had NINE, count em NINE turnovers. Luckily, the Raiders D/ST held up their end of the bargain, scoring one of the team’s two touchdowns on a Pick 6. They also had Chuck Downfield under duress for most of the day with 5 sacks.
- If Michael Jordan is getting his own 10 part documentary, Pablo Sanchez better be getting one too. The Backyard GOAT dropped a freaking 60 burger in Week 1. He rushed for 200 yards and passed for 200 yards each, and accounted for 5 touchdowns. Sanchez and the Melonheads smoked the Chargers 48-14. Can you believe Pablo was only the fifth rated quarterback last season?! He came out swingin and my strategy of building a portion of my team around his weapons looks wise at least for one week.
- On the other side of the blowout, at least both players who scored for the Chargers, also play for me. Big day for my tight end pulling double duty, Jevon Kearse. He had a huge 72 yard touchdown catch after the Melonheads 21 skunked them. Vicki Kawawguchi is my WR1 and needs to be a bit better. She had two receptions for 97 yards and a touchdown, but she was outscored by her brother Kenny Kawaguchi. Kenny had two touchdowns, 126 yards receiving AND recorded a safety. How fucking slow do you have to be to get sacked by a kid in a wheelchair?!
- Needed a few points from Brett Favre and Victor Jones on the 49ers to seal a win. They came through, and then some AND THEN SOME. 49ers lost but who gives a shit. Favre hit Victor Jones twice for scores and they both dropped 30+.
- THAT’S A WEEK ONE WIN IN THE BOOK MOTHER FUCKERS. SCORED 198 AND EVERY SINGLE PLAYER WAS IN DOUBLE DIGITS EXCEPT THE KICKER. THREE PLAYERS DROPPED 30 PLUS INCLUDING PABLO WITH HIS 60 BURGER. EVEN THE BENCH BALLED OUT, I COULD DO NO WRONG. 1-0.