Please Stop Sending Packages To Dave Portnoy

We are currently up to UNBOXING Episode X (10 if you’re dumb) and it’s time we start to worry what 9 consecutive nights of excruciating physical combat and 100,000 pounds of cardboard is doing to the Internet’s fearless leader. I mean, does this look like the face of a man who can survive Unboxing XXLIII?


Last night at the end of hour 4 of UNBOXING IX, we finally saw a glimmer of defeat. A plea to all of us shipping violent weapons and live animals to a grown man living in a NYC apartment. Hunched over the last 2 boxes with a green gauze finger wrap holding back a stream of blood, waving around a worn down box cutter he begged, please stop sending packages.


Ironic this is all sponsored by Death Wish Coffee (I will DM my address for all of the coffee). Before any of you social justice warriors comment on how privileged it is to complain about receiving millions of unwarranted and sometimes useful gifts during a time when many are struggling to pay their mortgage, shut the fuck up. All of the gifts Dave doesn’t want are being donated to nurses and essential workers and he’s been tipping the delivery people handsomely. Some would say he is single (and sometimes only half of one) handedly stimulating the economy.

But at what expense? 1-2 appendages? Dave’s vigor and overall excitement for life? It’s clear by looking into his glistening eyes that even through the haze of a full weed brownie this is getting to him.

If you haven’t sent a package yet, well that sounds like a you problem. You’ve had 9 straight days to get something to 333 W….sorry but it’s too late.

Jonathan, I’m sure you have a really cool antique to send but there’s simply no floor space left.

Sorry Solomon, but it’s time for us to start doing our job and #StopSendingPackages.

From all of us, thank you, Dave, for helping us get through these trying times by watching you toss marketing packages 60 feet in the air, determine which hats will fit based on a simple eye test and of course, welcoming your first born son into the world. We take solace in the fact knowing through all of the pain and suffering you have endured, it was all worth it to witness the gift of life. RIP Powder, gone too soon.

I’m sure everyone will promptly stop sending things and Dave will not have packages being delivered in droves for the next 10 years. At this point it’s either move apartments or the packages will take over the world. And I think we can see which way this is trending.




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Robert Cortés
Robert Cortés
May 17, 2021 4:42 pm

Hey David Portnoy, Robert Cortés here. I’m a single guy, no kids and currently unemployed individual. Thanks for providing me with entertainment during the pandemic at all hours of the early morning. I haven’t worked since last May when I presented with Covid symptoms. I tested negative three times and negative once for antibodies. I did however suffer from symptoms all into the new year. I had my 1st Pfizer vaccine on 4/23., some crappiness for a few days, but feel much better now. I am collecting UI but it only goes so far and I keep having to put… Read more »