If You Are Not Watching Dave Portnoy’s Live Unboxing Every Night At 8pm You Are Not Living

BadGalAli

During this trying and unstable time, the only thing keeping at least 60,000 of us off the ledge is watching a multimillionaire open free gifts for 2-3 hours on live video every night. It almost feels like going to that new bar or a real life party, all of us in the comment section /hidechat-ting. We’ll always remember where we were when Dave ate that day old baklava and the very first glitter bomb.

For the past 3 nights at 8pm on the dot I refresh that little Instagram button waiting for the notification that we are live again, inside Pres’s apartment of boxes strapping in for a rollercoaster ride of construction company merch and protein powder samples. And it’s must see TV.

These unboxings have every severe anxiety sufferers worst trigger points. It’s like a new TLC show premiering after My Strange Addiction. Random sharp objects being tossed around carelessly, trash cluttered to the ceiling, palpable second hand anxiety whenever a lame gift gets opened, Dave’s unbridled energy ripping open Fedex boxes with a bum shoulder. Waiting on bated breath to find out “WHAT IS THIS???”

The thought of millions of people carefully packaging up a box of paper napkins writing a personalized note with a business card to Dave Portnoy for him to bust it open with a samurai sword and throw it in the corner at the tail end of hour 2 of the unboxing has me hysterical. Read the room coffee people.

Last night we entered uncharted territory, built only for the toughest warriors. We persevered to hour 3 of the unboxing. Only the strongest 50,000 survived to see the last ducking package.

I truly have no idea how much longer these can continue, so much like Tom Brady’s 20 year career in New England, I’m trying to savor every moment before it’s gone. Let’s get to 100K people.

aliweitz

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