Morning Wood: Wrestling’s 5 Best Heels EVER

Mark J. Giannone

Wednesday marked a full week into my quarantine from the outside world. After seeing Christ Benoit trending on twitter Tuesday night it gave me the itch to jump head first into a rabbit hole of wrestling docs and episodes. It got me thinking about the guys who made wrestling what it was when it was actually entertaining to watch. I’m not talking about the babyface super hero types that obviously served a big role. I’m talking about the bad ass pieces of shit that made our young selve’s blood boil. Heels are the best part of wrestling storylines. So here it is my list of the top 5 badest dudes to ever grace the squared cirlce. From the bottom to the top.

5. Hulk Hogan

The purists are already losing their shit probably. I’m well aware that Hogan was a fan favorite for 95% of his career. I’m here to focus on that five percent of him being the bad ass known as Hollywood. Literally the biggest flip from face to heel in the history of the “sport” was when Hogan jumped from WWF to WCW and joined the NWO. As good as he was as a babyface he may have been even better as a heel. From spray painting NWO on dudes’ backs after gang jumping them to crashing a semi truck into an ambulance that had the rock laying inside. Hogan’s run as a heel was the stuff of legends. Which is what he obviously is. He crushed the spirits of little kids everywhere when he leg dropped Randy Savage at Bash at the Beach all those years ago. Anyone that’s gonna make children cry heartbreaking tears deserves to be on this list.

4. Paul Heyman

Heyman makes the list cause he’s literally the dude that talks all the shit at the bar and then stands behing his jacked buddies when it pops off. He’s just an annoying asshole, but always links himself to success. A lot of my hate for him is aimed at his stupid thick New York accent, which we all know is the worst in the country. He seems like the type of dude who you’d shake his hand then have to check your pocket to make sure your wallet was still there. Just an overall piece of garbage. He’s never gotten a cheer that wasn’t at an ECW event. No doubt he’s good at what he does, but there’s few people in wrestling that the fans have ever wanted to punch more.

3. Triple H

This is where things got hard for me to decide. The Game is in my top 3 wrestlers of all time, but no doubt he was a piece of shit most of his career. Excluding his runs with DX when he could do no wrong and actually brought a lot of humor to the broadcasts, Triple H pretty much always was against the fans at every turn. Let’s start with the fact that he was that damn good and had no problems telling everyone. The man literally won belts in his sleep, all while BANGING THE BOSSES DAUGHTER. Which is what made it so much worse. He pretty much wrote himself into every main storyline for most of the late 90s and early 2000s and was always the man. It got even worse when he formed Evolution and has Ric Flair steal matches for him left and right. Triple H new exactly how to get under the fans’ skin and once he figured that out he just dug into them more and more. He is a genius on the mic and a genius at pissing people off. Hats off to you sir.

2. Eric Bischoff 

Bischoff was literally hated in two different promotions. He damn near took down the WWF by himself. Looking back some of the stuff he did at the height of WCW was GENIUS. This dude literally read out the results of RAW’s taped show on his live show. That’s a next level scum bag move but ballsy as all hell. When I was a young lad watching him as the GM of RAW I literally couldn’t figure out why he had a job if everyone hated him. I was dumb and didn’t know the shit was scripted and that’s what they wanted. He would align himself with all the other hated superstars and helped them get to the top, which made it so much worse. His biplay with Stone Cold as co-general managers was hilarious, but even then just his face made you wanna throw up.

1. Mr. McMahon

I mean if Vince McMahon isn’t at the top of your list then take the thing and light it on fire cause it’s trash. Vinny Mac was literally everything bad trait about a boss wrapped up into one and amplified by a thousand. From his strut down the ramp to his distinctive and powerful “YOU’RE FIRED” McMahon exuded ego an the fans hated it. The list of shit he did to piss off the fans is too long to even begin to name. His feud with Stone Cold basically saved the company from being taken over by WCW. He’s the big swinging dick of cocky billionaire CEOs and he has no problem letting everyone know about it. It’s not enough that he’s got money coming out his ears but the man was SWOLE. This man literally beat up his daughter and cheated on his comatose wife with the stunning Trish Stratus, but I mean who wouldn’t. Above all else was of course the Montreal screw job when he literally stole the WWF title from Brett Hart. He may just be the best character ever created in pro wrestling at very least he is the biggest dick which makes him number one on this list.

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