We’re back with another edition of Florida or China? America’s favorite game show where we test the limits of two of the world’s biggest wastelands. This time, we investigate the sexual deeds of a zoophile vs. the sexual frustrations of a dolphin named Dolly.
SOURCE – In 1970, when Brenner was a college sophomore, he was given open access to the now-defunct theme park to take photos for a book about the dolphin show. There, he claims, Dolly the dolphin began courting him.
“She would rub her genital slit against me,” he says in “Dolphin Lover.” “And if I tried to push her away, she would get very angry with me. One time, when she wanted to masturbate on my foot and I wouldn’t let her, she threw herself on top of me and pushed me down to the 12-foot bottom of the pool.”
After some time, Brenner and Dolly consummated their relationship — he vertical, she horizontal — but Brenner eventually moved away and Dolly was sent to an aquarium in Mississippi, where she later died.
You little amphibian slut, Dolly! Rubbing your genital slit – pretty sure we can just say vagina – up against poor Brenner here like that period blood scene in Superbad?
How about Dolly dragging Renner to the depths of hell because he wouldn’t fuck her? All she wanted to do was jizz on his foot like she was Sea World’s version of Louis C.K. Just metoo’ing the shit out of him because he didn’t want to stick his zoo-boy dick in her. If anyone had to fight for their life against a dolphin, on the dolphin’s home turf, I’m pretty sure you’d have to fuck it. Home court advantage like the 2019-20 Sixers. You’re going to lose that battle 10/10 times. No one wants to be the guy who was drowned by the dolphin because it wouldn’t give in to it’s sexual advances. Could you imagine Brenner’s mom at the viewing?
“How did he pass?”
No one wants their mother to go through that. That’s why Brenner knew he had to fuck Dolly. Take one for the team, so your mother didn’t have to write “Fucked to death by a dolphin” in the obituary section of the local paper and cry every time she walked by her fridge where the clip hung.
I’m all in on this dolphin sex position by the way! Brenner vertical while Dolly was horizontal. If you don’t think I’m trying this out with the girlfriend I’ve got beach front property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. I don’t know if I have the lower body strength to pull it off, but we’re in quarantine. It’s not the time to continue with the missionary, cowgirl, doggy-style for the finish routine. It’s time to switch it up. We’ll call it the “Intersextion”.
Me vertical, my girlfriend horizontal while I just make dolphin noises the whole time until I cum. The Dolly move is coming to Pornhub near you in no time. Mark my words. It’s going to be the new Plank challenge.
Vote “1” if you think this happened in Florida or “5” if you think Renner was seduced in China.