Nothing and I honestly mean NOTHING is more polarizing then a March Madness bar bracket. A buddy of mine Jeem developed this bracket and it’s getting some traction in the Twittersphere and voting is now open. We all have nothing better to do then lose our minds over our favorite bar’s ranking or being snubbed. No Cav’s Headhouse is an absolute disgrace. No Cherry Street Tavern should have Jeem thrown in jail. But besides those two snubs not a bad list. No one’s ever going to get it right, and plus he took this seriously. Look at this…
Post It Notes?!? Multiple people risked quarantine to help him!? I wish I cared more about anything in this world, then Jeem cares about the Best Bars in Philly. He acted like he was in the damn NCAA Committee wondering if they should let in NC State or Memphis into the Dance based off their KenPom scores.
Everyone knows your favorite bar depends on your A/S/L like you’re in an AOL Chat Room. If you’re a 25 year old male in Fishtown there’s a good chance you love Garage (Fishtown) or Frankford Hall. If you’re 21 and go to Temple or Drexel you probably love Porta, Cav’s, or Tavern On Broad (RIP). If you’re mid-20s and live in South Jersey right over the Walt Whitman and love to wear white wraparound shades, tanning, and Jersey turnpiking there’s a good chance you spend your Saturdays at the PBR bar crushing RBVs. If you’re over 30 I don’t know where you go with this bracket. I’m guessing you’re doing your best to will the Princeton, Morgan’s Pier, or IBG to the Finals. I just assume once you hit 30 your life is just over and your favorite bar becomes your apartment with the Bulleit Bourbon on your bar cart mixed with some Netflix.
Some quick thoughts on the bracket:
Bars On Upset Alert:
#5 Springfield/Carousel vs #12 Bob & Barbara’s: The ‘ol 12vs5 upset. Bob & Barbara’s is the originator of the Citywide special. That should be able to get them onto the round of 32. Where else can you get a shot of Heaven Hill whiskey and a PBR for $2.50. You can get drunk for $10. Consistently some of the best live music. I once even blacked out at a drag queen show and got pulled up on stage to dance. Just a couple of swinging dicks, one tucked, one flapping in the breeze cutting a rug. The only thing is people are itching for summer and Sea Isle which might skew the numbers in Springfield/Carousel’s direction. Remember though who was there for you in the wintertime when that guy ghosted you after two months when you thought it was going somewhere. Your girls convinced you to go to Bob & Barbara’s Drag Night on a Thursday where you did tequila and whiskey shots and chugged PBR until you woke up and found out you puked in your top drawer nightstand. Springfield would’ve kicked you out and had you mindlessly walking the streets of Sea Isle. Probably would’ve ended up with a citation for pissing behind the Wawa on Landis Ave. We need to protect B&B’s.
#7 Ladder15 vs #10 Whitebrier”: There’s no winner in this one. I’ve never been to the Whitebrier, but from what I’ve heard it’s basically Ladder15 South. We should just basically have the bro’s in popped collar polos vs. bro’s in popped collar polos fight to the death. Basically it’s Bill & Ted vs. Evil Bill & Ted. Fight to the death and winner moves on. There’s a good chance this becomes the next Civil War they talk about in history books with brother fighting brother and families divided.
The UNLV 1990-91 Team That Will Fall Short:
#1 McGillins: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think McGillins falls short of the title. A lot of us became men in McGillins while listening to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. When Dreams & Nightmares would come on TouchTunes during that Super Bowl run I thought everyone was going to fall through the 2nd floor. I’m pretty sure them ripping up the 2nd floor carpets started the Coronavirus. There had to of been a bio-chemical weapon of bacteria under there. McGillins has a stacked house of Larry Johnson, Greg Anthony, and Stacey Augmon as the muscle (the 2nd floor toupe wearing bouncer) with the coach, Ma McGillins, as Jerry Tarkanian. But they face a tough road to the title Carousel/Springfield or B&B’s in the Sweet Sixteen. They potentially have to face off against Paddywhacks in the Round of 32. Maxis or the memories of TOB (RIP) in the Elite Eight. And then a juggernaut of Dead Dog in the Final Four. Anyone who’s ever been to the Dead Dog loves the Dead Dog. It’s Napkins vs Karaoke/TouchTunes. Bent Elbows vs. $8 Bud Light Pitchers. Ma McGillins vs the old lady who makes you change if you’re wearing a graphic t-shirt. The Committee did no favors placing McGillins in this bracket.
We’re looking for our George Mason and it’s easy. #10 Frankford Hall is WAYYYYY to low. Frankford Hall is the definition of multi-dimesional! It can go small 1 through 5 and really run you up and down the court on a nice 50 degree day on Saturday in mid-January under heat lamps or go big with their Mega-Stein’s where you can drink two of a German beer you can’t pronounce and you’re drooling all over yourself trying to spit game to a blonde in a jean jacket and black yoga pants. The official women’s outfit of Frankford Hall. Frankford Hall is great for birthday parties, a chill night out no matter what season, and has a bunch of bars around it which is key. You get tired of Frankford Hall you can go to Johnny Brendas, Garage, Murph’s Bar, Fette Sau, El Bar, Barcade, or maybe Joe’s Steaks or McDonalds for drunk food. A 5 Tool player that could be dancing in the Final Four if it can take down La Costa in the Sweet Sixteen.
Nobody Wins And I Hope Both Bars Implode:
#5 Tradesmans vs. #12 Field House: I would not mind if Tradesman’s and Field House both blew up and no one was able to advance to the second round. Two of THE WORST bars in Philadelphia. One smells like piss on the inside and outside. And one will kick the piss out of you because the roid’d up bartenders don’t take no shit.
Final Four: Dead Dog, OD, K Lot, & Irish Pub
Dead Dog, K Lot, OD, and Irish Pub is a juggernaut Final Four. All bars where I’ve made countless memories with all types of friends. Have a friend coming in from out of town?Take ’em to Irish Pub. Have friends experiencing Sea Isle for the first time? Boom. Dead Dog and OD have you covered.
You get the second floor of Dead Dog you’re having a good time. You get stuck on the first floor? Quick bathroom access and a spot right by Nicki on the acoustic guitar belting out Zombies. The No Shower Happy Hour pushes the OD to the Final Four by itself. If you’ve ever done No Shower until close you are a heathen and I want to be friends with you immediately. Did I think I’d have Irish Pub on 20th in my Final Four to start? Nope. But you can make a case for it. Irish Pub has some of the best bartenders in the city, always has a good crowd looking for one thing, and has that classic Irish bar feel. Plus I recently discovered there is a back bar to go along with the top floor and basement bar. That just adds to the allure.
The National Champion though is K Lot. K Lot is the 2011-12 Kentucky Wildcat team with Anthony Davis, Terrence Jones, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Doron Lamb, Marquis Teague, and Kyle Wiltjer. Just top to bottom can play with anyone. You and 60,000 of your best friends just getting drunk before a 1pm division game against the Giants is deadly. There’s no bar that can compete with K Lot. I know it’s not a bar, but I mean it’s a bar. I don’t make the rules.