Here Are The Reporters Most Likely To Give Pro Athletes The Coronavirus


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Reporters are absolutely losing their minds over their locker room access being revoked by the NBA, MLB, NHL, & MLS.



Ken Rosenthal wrote a love letter on The Athletic of what the Locker Room meant to him and why it was important to have reporters in it. Relax Ken. You can have sex with your precious locker room in a couple weeks after we figure the Coronavirus out. Could you imagine if we never got this excerpt from Ken’s article if baseball denied access to reporters forever?


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Sheesh. An All-Star player’s team improving so in return he will most likely improve? Groundbreaking stuff Kenny. Listen, I think it’s important the Journo’s are in the locker room, but no one loves telling you how important they are more than the J’s. But let’s be honest with ourselves, most of the time the only quotes and clips we care about are Breaking News tweets, athletes calling other’s out, or saying something funny that goes viral and Bleacher Report throws some crying emojis on it and we go along with our day.

And I don’t necessarily agree with the fact J’s not being allowed in locker rooms neither helps nor hinders the Coronavirus problem. It’s not like the players are going into quarantine themselves and can’t be around anyone. What do we think James Harden isn’t going to a casino or the club? I’m almost positive he caught something worse from a Kardashian then he would from a guy with a notebook and tape recorder. But, you have to think if there are any J’s who would get an athlete sick it’s gotta be these guys. 


Brian Windhorst


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I feel like we haven’t heard a lot from Windy lately. Gotta expect a happy LeBron season means Windy is just sitting in his LA studio apartment LeBron bought him, chained to the radiator. He’s just waiting for Rich Paul to come over with a LeBron rumor to free Windy by chomping through the shackles with his adult braces. Only to deliver to ESPN, “Sources around the league believe LeBron deserves to win MVP because of his age, the China saga, and the Kobe stuff”.

Is he even still considered the “Lebron Whisperer”? Or do they just trot him out on “The Jump” during NBA Free Agency period in July to just sweat all over the place and break where J.R. Smith is signing? 

I could see Windy being Patient 0 for the Coronavirus. He probably followed LeBron and the Lakers over to China this summer and partook in some of the finest bat soup cuisine China had to offer. You think this guy is going to say no to any food put in front of him?


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He’s going to ask for another serving and then ask the guy at the table if he can finish his. Windy’s going to be sweating all over the Staples Center. His clammy hands are going to be dapping up LeBron and his children, even his wife. He’s going to singlehandedly ruin LeBron’s quest for his 5th MVP at 35 because he gave him Coronavirus. To which Windy then commits seppuku on himself in the middle of the Quicken Loans Arena as a sacrifice so LeBron doesn’t succumb to the disease. 


Adam Schefter



Two words.

Two phones.

What’s the dirtiest thing you touch constantly that you probably don’t ever clean? It’s your phone. It is impossible for your phone to not have germs. Pick your wedgie? Poop germs. You now have pink eye. Grab a door handle during flu season? You’re probably using the same hand texting on your phone without ever thinking to wash it. Dropping your phone on the ground? Coronavirus is everywhere and Adam Schefter is doubling his risk. How long until there is a Breaking News tweet from Adam Schefter that Jameis Winston has Coronavirus?. First, because Schefty loves disclosing secret medical records of NFL players. Secondly, it’s because he spent the whole day at Jameis Winston’s hiding in the bushes while the Chargers brass came and visited him to talk about Free Agency. You’re going to catch Coronavirus in Florida. That or eat bath salts. Those are the rules.

Breaking: Jameis Winston is signing a 6 yr/$126 million deal with $60 million guaranteed with the LA Chargers. 

*2 minutes later*

Breaking: Jameis Winston has contracted Coronavirus per sources.


Bob Costas

Not much more needs to be said here. 

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Bob Costas is a petri dish full of diseases. He’s the asshole that shames someone that shows up to work when they have a cough and he comes in after Rikishi gave him a couple of “Stinkfaces” to the eyeball. 


Marv Albert



Marv Albert loves hookers. The only thing more that he loves than hookers is biting hookers after he calls big NBA broadcasts. You can’t just go around biting hookers when the Coronavirus is getting dirty like Dennis Rodman in a Sunday NBC Showcase. Coronavirus I feel has to live on a New York hooker. There’s already a reported 100+ cases and the National Guard is right outside of Manhattan. Maybe we keep Marv away from the broadcast booth, unless he finds a way to contract Reggie Miller and C-Webb with the disease.


Howard Eskin



Howard Eskin would literally kill to get Coronavirus. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was in Chinatown right now asking for people to cough in his face because he thought Wuhan was a side alley between Arch and Race. 

Howard get’s hard off of being talked about. Any guy who bought his own Eagles Super Bowl ring and dresses like this on Eagles sidelines has an inferiority complex.




But it’s not only Eskin’s need to be talked about. It’s his beard that makes him look like the Burger King. The CDC recommends shaving your beard to prevent the Coronavirus from hiding in it. 


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I want a hairless, naked mole rat looking Howard Eskin by the time I next see him front row at an Eagles press conference. For all I care he can look like Heisenberg.




Kyle Scott –


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Kyle Scott hates the Coronavirus more than you hate anything in your life. The guy wrote thousands of words on it over the weekend. His guys are asking 21 year old athletes on the Flyers how worried about it they are after they just lost a grueling game against the Bruins to snap a 9 game win streak. 


He’s asking me to watch 20 minute videos from Coronavirus experts. Who the hell has time for that? Pretty sure the Coronavirus would pass through me before I got through the whole video. 




Which makes me wonder. Does Kyle Scott in fact have Coronavirus? For someone who so vehemently disavows Coronavirus it seems like it may be too good to be true. I don’t care about anything as much as Kyle cares about Coronavirus. What’re the chances Kyle has infected his Flyers’ guy Russ and sent him to cover the Flyers as his own biological guinea pig. You can’t hate the hustle. Gotta get those “Riley Cooper N Word” viral views somehow. And “Local Blogger Infects Stanley Cup Bound Flyers Team” seems like Step 1. You can’t spell “Coggin Toboggin Decapitates 19 Victims ” without COVID-19. Just imagine everyone else Kyle is targeting. Has someone gotten eyes on Chase Utley?

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