The @SEPTA_Social Twitter Feed Is Must Follow Stuff

kylep1234

 

septa

 

 

Follow @BrandedKyle

 

I don’t typically get caught up in municipal government transportation social media pages unless it’s an occasional South Philly neighborhood watch page. But for @SEPTA_SOCIAL I’m all in. I’m addicted to the Customer Service reps there. They’re probably chained to their desks at 30th Street station and forced to meet their problem solving quota for the day before they can go home. Just scanning their mentions, knowing no train has run on time in the history of Philly transportation. They might as well go back to the days of trolley’s and cobblestone streets. You couldn’t pay me all of Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin to work for the SEPTA social team. You are everyones worst enemy. It’s basically like if the Taliban or ISIS had a Twitter page dedicated to customer service issues.

“Hey @Isis, you murdered my whole village in cold blood and my shop is on fire. Y’all need to reimburse me.”

“@AleppoAngel435 as a non-governmental entity we assume no risk and no fault for the bloodshed and destruction of property. Praise be too Allah. ^MD”

 

I feel like SEPTA has to run through interns weekly because they can’t take the emotional pain of people threatening their life daily for $7.50/hr. Also, the SEPTA Social teams are a bunch of snitches so I don’t feel bad at all. One time a buddy of mine maybe, kind of, threatened them and they found out where he worked and told his HR Dept. Stop spending so much time snitching SEPTA and spend more dollars on logistics planning in the winter. I didn’t even have to go a week back to find some interactions that were gold.

 

social septa

 

Oh, Eric. No. It’s got to be Eric’s first day. He’s ready to attack the world in his new job as a Customer Service Rep 2 on a path to one day achieve his goal of managing the social team of the Sixers or Visit Philly. He came firing right out of the gate letting people know he’s multi-lingual and can help you in both English and Spanish. Our little Emilio Estevez of the @Septa_Social team. Except he’s not dealing with Goldberg, Charlie, or the Bash Brothers. He’s dealing with Ernie, and Ernie doesn’t have time to decipher what the fuck “Buenos Dias Amigos” means. He just wants to know why the god damn Ridge/Spur line hasn’t worked in the last 5 years. For all he knows you’re insulting him calling him an “Amigo”.

And how about Eric running with his tail between his legs after he fired off his little Spanish peace offering? Where the fuck were you on the reply? Poor ^AS has to clean up your mess like he’s Dennis Rodman cleaning the glass because Ernie spooked you. For all we know Eric was sitting in the corner like this by 10am based off the horrible things he saw.

 

stew

 

 

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We’ve all been here. Forced into a spot where we’d rather pay for the train or bus then spend $10 on an Uber. Yea the subway and bus are slow in the morning and their packed with a bunch of people, but when you’re a college kid or young professional with student loans. Only having to fork over $2.50 for a ride ain’t bad. I love juhmeer saying he’d DM them his key card number to be re-imbursed knowing damn well that had no shot of actually working. But hey shooters shoot. Well the SEPTA social team came back with the Dikembe Mutumbo finger wag “NO. NO. NO” and let loose some jargon they had tucked in a file probably marked “Common Phrases To Tell People To Go Fuck Themselves.” ^KG let that tweet fly and knew juhmeer was out of his/her hands for good.

P.S. “i need a tax credit then. y’all suck.” You gotta love the fight in juhmeer. Swinging until the bell rings. He snuck a combo in after the fact, but didn’t get a  warning from the ref. He’s a vet and done dealing with @Septa_Social’s shit.

 

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Oh fuck. ^KG is back again to ruin someone’s day. You know ^KG treats everyone the same way. How can I shake this motherfucker loose the quickest way possible? @redcoloredstars has her day ruined every day by SEPTA. SEPTA is on a Cal Ripken type Iron Man streak with her. Every. Single. Day. @redcoloredstars knows one thing when she wakes up and that is SEPTA is going to fuck her!

Two things people hate are crowded trains and cold weather. When she finally got a train people started screaming at each other. That’s where I’m out.  Loud noises lead to violence. I don’t need to catch a swiss knife to the clavicle while I’m praying the City Hall stop is next because of SEPTA’s incompetence. I’m getting off immediately.

 

 

Will someone fucking help the Black Bisexual out and get the damn bloody durag off the Market Frankford Line? What is SEPTA code for bloody durag? Also Black Bisexual maybe tell the Philly PD to send an APB that there is someone walking the streets with their brain showing.

 

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Hey Lance, chill the fuck out. Maybe the passenger needing assistance slipped on a bloody durag.

 

 

If bloody durags aren’t your speed I’ve got something to up the ante. Open subway doors while the train is going 70 mph ready to suck out any little person, stroller, or child.

 

 

Idk why, but the “88 cutlass” part cracked me up. I just imagine the trolley being controlled by Keanu Reeves and it can’t go under 50 mph or it blows up like in Speed. He’s just flying past stop after stop with no plan and patrons are holding on for dear life. Honestly, more SEPTA workers could be more like this guy. There’s not much worse than when you’re late and the SEPTA bus driver stops at a yellow light or the conductor is taking his sweet time closing the doors between stops.

 

 

I will die on this hill. If you eat sunflower seeds and you’re not on a baseball diamond or at a baseball game you’re fucking weird. Who thinks it’s ok to just spit out shells at people’s feet like you’re in an old time saloon and cowboys are spitting chew anywhere. I hope this guy literally chokes on a seed and dies. We don’t need people like this in our world. Because if he does it on the SEPTA Bus, where else does he do it? Probably the DMV or at jury duty? And the thing is they look like the original kind. You have to do buffalo ranch or at least Bar-B-Q.

Sidenote: If you buy Low Sodium sunflower seeds you’re a Grade A Pussy.

 

 

That’s it? Wet farts? That would probably be the best smell I’ve ever enjoyed on the subway. The other day I had to switch cars because one side of the subway car had some dude laying down on the seats and he smelled like he was dead. Like there was a chance they were driving miles with him dead like Aunt Edna in Vacation. Tie that dude to the top of the car and if the electric shocks don’t wake him then he’s definitely cold.

Which brings us too…

 

Well how many people are on your train? Because that’s your answer right there. It could’ve been anyone. Those are the types of risks you take when you’re riding SEPTA. Rule 1: Always check the seat before you sit down to make sure no liquid is on it.

I love SEPTAs response like “Oh. Shit. It happened again. Third time this week.” And urinate? Just fucking say pee, please. Be cool for me one time SEPTA. Is someone’s dad running this account?

 

 

Yea. And he should be rewarded for doing so. Too many drivers don’t have that eye on the prize and they act like Driving Miss Daisy out there. I want that guy who will drive past the people waiting in 20 degree weather “by mistake”. I’m late and the SEPTA Transit game is a dog eat dog world out there. You don’t get picked up? Well you better call yourself an Uber because next bus isn’t coming for 30 minutes and it’s stuck behind a trash truck.

 

 

Here it is the creme-de-la-creme of SEPTA Social complaints. There is a heaping pile of shit on one of the concourses of the El. Listen, if you’ve never seen human shit at a SEPTA Station in your life, you must not ride a lot. Good for you. But this is just like someone pee’ing on the train. This is what you signed up for. $2.50 doesn’t afford you comfort. It affords you a metal death trap in an underground tunnel that will do it’s best to get where you have to go without a hitch. The shit is an added obstacle for the affordability. Deal with it. You don’t want to see human shit on the concourse? You don’t want the panhandlers, singers, or the Schizos threatening to murder you? Take an Uber like a rich person lady. Some of us are just trying to get too somewhere and not break the bank.

 

 

Deciphering SEPTA transit station signs and Ava Devine MILF porn. That’s what Jamal Whitaker likes. Simple man, simple pleasures.

Alright I laughed at this…I’m not proud, but I did.

 

When you only run on time 60% of the time not everyone is going to be fond of your cute little name scramble game. We finally found someone willing to stick up for the little guy, Angel Reyes. Listen it sucks to be homeless, but holy shit does it suck to sit there with your headphones in staring at the ground because some guy is making a speech you don’t want to hear. Then he proceeds to walk down the aisle staring at everyone with his hand shoved in your face. It’s almost as bad as the Subway entertainers, but at least they actually entertain me. I’m not going to give the kid who almost kicked me in the face with his steel toed Tims a dollar, but I appreciate making this ride a little less terrible. 

 

I understand the hate for SEPTA and I’m glad I have to rarely rely on them, but where else can a city transportation employee and Shadz.the.shithead wish each other good morning? No where other than on Social Septa.

 

 

 

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