Hill I’ll Die On: If You Sit On A Toilet And Fall In, It’s 100% Your Fault

Let’s goooooo. Getting the ladies all upset on a Monday afternoon. There are few things in life that I am truly passionate about. I make a lot of jokes but this is something I’m dead serious on.

Ladies, if you sit on the toilet and the seat is up, causing you to fall in. You are 100% to blame, not your significant other or men in general. This is going to hurt but it’s a conversation that needs to be had. Buckle up.

For decades it’s been the man’s fault every time a woman has sat down where they thought a toilet seat should to be and found nothing but a wet heinie. And for as long as I can remember we just all accepted that. As men, we hear a splash from the other room followed up by “GOD DAMNIT [Insert male name here]!! YOU FORGOT TO PUT THE SEAT UP!!” And hear me out, no one wants to fall ass first into a toilet. When you’re going number 2 and little bit of water splashes up and hits you, it ruins the entire experience. Couldn’t imagine dunking my entire doughnut in there. But with that being said, not his fault.

If you know the horror of sitting in a pool of cold toilet water than there is no reason you shouldn’t look back for a quick second. I mean it literally takes 0.0000001 seconds if we’re being honest. And unless you’re walking backwards towards the toilet, you should be able to tell whether the seat is up or down from like 30 feet away. Are women walking up to the throne, both eyes shut and whistling their favorite tune? Just look. Head on a swivel. Why are you all doing toilet trust falls every time you go to the bathroom? What would happen if the men in America decided to remove the toilets completely one random day? Would you even notice?

I mean it’s insane to just assume without looking. Some might even say arrogant. Another thing, why is it the man’s responsibility to remember to put it down but not the woman’s to remember to put it up? Imagine a world where men decided, ‘I’m not going to look at the toilet before I use it. I’m going to put blind trust in my wife to have put the seat up.’ Next thing you know we’re just going full stream on the toilet cover, pee everywhere. It would be pure chaos. Men shouldn’t have to remember all the these rules and requirements while women get to just run around all willy nilly, peeing and seating where ever they please.

So I’ve come up with a solution that solves all this for both parties and we can go about living a happy and compatible life together.

As it stands right now here is what the man has to do. We have to pull the seat up, do our business and also remember to put the seat down.


Two moves, while women on the other hand have ZERO responsibility. They come in, drop it like it’s hot and head on out. There has to be a better way and I’ve found it.

Here is the new way we will handle bathroom etiquette from now on people. Man walks into the bathroom, pull the seat up, does his business and leaves. Ladies, you walk in, put the seat down, tinkle and roll out. One move per sex. Meet us halfway ladies.


It’s fool proof. Walk in, get yourself established and leave with confidence that the next user will do the same. And there is a bonus for you girls! Poop! Men poop all the time and when we do, we’ll leave the seat down. Bang, that’s one less move. Like landing on Free Parking in Monopoly.

We could save so many relationships if we just put our pride aside for a split second. Ladies, there is an old saying and it goes “don’t eat where you shit.” Doesn’t really have anything to do with this but first one that popped in my head. But there is another saying that fits better and it goes “don’t sit down on the toilet without double checking it’s there, fall in and then blame your husband for it like it’s his job.” – Mark Twain

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