Recap of the Fat Tuesday Challenge: Kyle Eats 40 Pierogies In 30 Minutes


kyle pierogie


Last night I put my life on the line and tried to finish 40 pierogies in 30 minutes for Jesus. All the Catholics know today starts Lent and the last day to be a glutton of this magnitude is Tuesday. Now it’s Ash Wednesday and along with having to wear a bunch of dead dinosaur fossil fuels on my forehead, we’re also forced to give up certain luxuries for the next 40 days in order to replicate the account of the sacrifice of Jesus’ journey into the desert for 40 days.

Well I’ll tell you something. I’m giving up pierogies for the next 40 days. Hell, I might give up pierogies for the next 40 years. All for Jesus. Shout out New Wave Cafe down in Polish-town Philadelphia, which I didn’t even know was a section of Philly. The woman asked me if I wanted fried or steamed pierogies and I scoffed at her. Steamed? Lady. I’m about to stuff 40 pierogies down my fat face. Give me fried. I’m not trying to win a health competition. I’m trying to crush some Polish potato. These were real old school Polish pierogies too. When I picked them up from New Wave no one spoke a lick of English. It looked like they turned a small family living room into a restaurant. They didn’t take cards so I had to run three blocks away to the nearest ATM. It was so old school I fucking loved it.

Quick post-competition analysis…

Breathing is a little harder today and my pores feel like they’re clogged with two tons of the finest Polish knockoff Canola oil you can find in Port Richmond. I was happy with the number I crushed, but I honestly thought 40 was going to be a breeze. Also, a lot of chirping from people who would never have the strength to do this WHILE being live on camera and feeling the pressure of thousands watching you. I grew up on Mrs. T’s from the frozen food aisle. My body wasn’t built for that. But I’m ready to come back next year faster, stronger, more likely to breathe, and with a better gameplan.


Merry Lent.

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