You Know What Joe Burrow’s Hands Say About His…

If you thought I was going to say Joe Burrow’s tiny hands mean he must have a tiny dick, you are absolutely correct.

It’s combine time, meaning it’s time to judge every nook and cranny of a bunch of 20 year old male college athletes. Or you know, just what women have to deal with when they walk by a man on the street. Joe Burrow has known for months the combine hand measurement was coming and with a 9″ hand so you’ve got to control the narrative before it controls you.

Part of me is thinking well, maybe these combine scouts are getting in Joe’s head. Nothing like a little tiny hands shaming to get down the price of that #1 pick.

That being said, anyone with retinas knows Joe Burrow is the real deal. Planting a seed of doubt in NFL team’s minds is basically impossible for someone like Joe Burrow. There’s no question he should be the first overall pick. But this is the Cincinnati Bengals were talking about. Hand size has to be up there in the Bengals scouting report along with how far they can throw and if they sound anything like Patrick Mahomes.

Making a joke of it seems so rElAtAbLe but ultimately it draws attention to the tiny hands issue and that can be a big hurdle to overcome. Not even as a football player, but as a man.

Let’s be honest, women don’t want to fuck a guy with tiny hands. Whereas men prefer women with tiny hands to make things look ahem, bigger, big hands on a guy could make Lizzo feel tiny. Guys with big hands make us feel safe, and we automatically assume proportions must check out.

If people think you have tiny hands, you are then forced to make an announcement (sometimes completely sincerely) that you do not have a tiny dick to match. Joe’s tweet does that in a single tweet. BDE in 140 characters or less.

There’s a universal thought that hand/foot size is a direct correlation to penis size. It’s not 1-1, because Joe’s 9″ would certainly suffice for most of us out there in the real world. Turns out from my extensive research the layout of your index and ring finger that correlate to dick size (I googled one article). Do they take those measurements at the combine??

It would be a lot more interesting to learn this type of information leading up to the draft. Realistically no one cares if you have tiny hands if you can throw a zillion TD passes and make the Bengals competitive. But knowing if your first round pick is packing, the diameter of a running backs thighs to compare to Saquon, and how many people they’ve slept with would tell a lot more about these guys. It would help the Instagram models and local thot-lebrities know who to go after and what to expect. All very important factors in evaluating real talent. Mel Kiper’s job would be a hell of a lot more challenging.


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