Joe Burrow Officially Declares His Retirement Due To Tiny Hands


There’s nothing like going out on top. Michael Jordan in ’93. Michael Jordan in ’96. Peyton Manning after his Super Bowl win in ’16. And now we have Baby Hands Joe Burrow just declaring retirement because his mitts are smaller than Kyler Murray’s. How is he supposed to play in the NFL if he has smaller hands than the 2019 Rookie of the Year? Did you know the NFL ball is larger than it is in College? The wind on a Cincinnati Sunday off of Lake Erie is going to blow the football right out of Uncle Joe Burrow here. Live look at Joe Burrow entering combine interviews this week.


joe burrow


GMs and coaches LOVE hand size. Basically obsessed with it. I’m almost positive every NFL coach pays for an “Only Fans” Snapchat Premium account that just sends out hand pics for $9.99 a month to scratch that itch. I mean you’re trying to tell me Mike McCarthy wouldn’t subscribe to someone’s Patreon just to receive hand pictures every day? That’s probably why Rex Ryan couldn’t make it in this league. Can’t be a foot guy, in a hand guy’s NFL.

One year, I need an agent to get out in front of this with a Pro-small hand campaign. Just have a bunch of videos of Joe Burrow opening a pickle jar. Or spin it that his hands are better for holding fan’s babies he’s bound to meet at training camp. He never is subjected to an embarrassing scandal because his phone auto-corrected because he has fat thumbs. He can use the sponge to get those hard to reach parts of his BlenderBottle; more protein shakes=Stronger Joe.

Joe Burrow needs to hire me as his PR guy to spin this. I’ll drop Branded like Joe Burrow is bound to drop an NFL pigskin due to his small 9 inch hands.

One more for the road:




0 0 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments