The Phanatic Got A Nose Job And A Tummy Tuck This Offseason

The Phillie Phanatic went under the knife this offseason and took care of some unwanted blemishes it was feeling insecure about. Here are before pictures of the Phanatic at a time he didn’t feel as beautiful as he does now.

I feel like all season the Phillies are going to slip in Dr. Ted Eisenberg jingles to offset the costs of the Phanatic’s plastic surgery.

Or we finally found where the extra $2.5 mil in the J.T. Realmuto arbitration went to. They chopped off damn near 6 inches on that nose and sucked out more meat then El Wingador at a Wing Bowl after doing an 8 ball.

Does the Phanatic have diabetes? Is this the reason for the gastric bypass? His red stirrups were replaced by a weird blue gauze wrap that they use on patients with diabetes who don’t get enough circulation to their legs.

Also, how did he grow a tail? And why does that tail make him look like the blue dragon from Dragon Tales?

I don’t know if the blue tail made any sense, but I’m happy for the Phanatic. He can finally be himself. I don’t know how he still gets away with no pants and his dick just flopping around in the breezes in front of children. But hey, I guess that’s why I’m not in the mascot game.

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